Fritz
Fritz

I was singing my new commuting song at the top of my lungs ...

Jerks and Dummies!

Dummies and Jerks!

Who gave you a license?

That ain't how this works!

Get into the slow lane,

You drive like a GRAMPA!

And don't cut me off please,

You smelly old tramp-a!

... when Inner Critic piped up to note that the song was mean and I was being mean, and even if to the rest of the world it looked like I was jamming out to the radio — probably a rock ballad given the level of theatrics inside the car — God can hear that song and he probably doesn't like it and Jesus would absolutely not be acting like this even if the entire commute was through construction and not a single person used their turn signal and nine people in a row cut him off.

Inner Critic is a total drag.

I stopped going to church a good 20 years ago and count myself straight-up agnostic, but Inner Critic didn't get the memo, and so IC is forever bringing up JC.

That said, I almost never ask myself What Would Jesus Do? Instead, it feels like I'm forever confirming what he would NOT do. WJWND. More accurately, JWNDT — Jesus Would Not Do That.

The more I thought about it — which I had the luxury of doing because the traffic was going backwards in fucking time at this point — the more I realized I do a LOT of things JWND.


Advertisement

Obviously, he would not lose his shit in traffic. He would not briefly consider pushing the woman behind him at Subway while shouting, "For the love of all that's holy, stop crinkling that chip bag!" (Really, that's like two no-nos.) He wouldn't give the stink eye to every person meandering through a crosswalk with their cellphone in front of their face. He wouldn't angrily whisper, "Balls!" under his breath at work when he forgot to save the last 15 minutes of changes to his Excel spreadsheet.

I have to remind myself this doesn't mean Jesus never got mad — we all know he trashed the temple that one time when folks were selling stuff there.

But that wasn't him just losing his patience with people who weren't doing things the way they were supposed to be done. They were special, unique circumstances, right? People were changing money and, like, selling tourist trinkets in a holy place.

I'm wholly aware of the fact I could go to a church and find someone learned to ask about this and in turn be shown a variety of Biblical examples demonstrating that since in X instance, Jesus handled Y person in Z way, it stands to reason he might wrangle the Slow-Ass Cellphone-Wielding Pedestrian in Crosswalk Situation similarly.

But I wouldn't really believe what I was told (surprise) because X instance had zero cellphones in it and cellphones — as well as crinkling chip bags, Xcel spreadsheets, and idiots on Arapahoe Ave. headed west on weekdays between 8:45 and 9:15 a.m. — weren't issues he dealt with in his time. These things are new, special annoyances, unique in the way snowflakes made out of acid rain might be, and while I know Jesus would most certainly not handle them as gracelessly as I often have, I'd still like to know what he'd actually do.

Read more Fritz: coloradodaily.com/columnists