Bear
Bear

It's fine when someone likes a piece of your writing, but when they hate it so much they report you to the authorities — even better.

Last year, I lived in a rickety house that had been converted into five apartments. The property manager hated me for no particular reason and evicted me, apparently because I complained about major problems like holes in the ceiling going unfixed for months on end. I later found out she just wanted the apartment for herself (completely legal in Colorado).

I wrote on Facebook to vent. The property manager read it and marched down to Longmont city hall to turn me in. (She was also a moron.) The city employee smiled wryly as she told me I had been turned in.

The offending piece is as follows:

•••

Hello there! Are you a young urban professional looking for a hip place to call home? Then look no further. You're going to love Boulder County Tenements, or "BoCoTen" for short. We are now offering a one bedroom with an office in a crumbling Victorian house for only $1,000 a month.

Your hipster friends are going to turn green with envy when they see the not-up-to-code electrical and plumbing work we have to offer at BoCoTen. We like to think of it as "death trap chic."

We also offer randomly hot and cold showers as an added bonus at no extra charge! You'll also love our intermittently disappearing ceilings, and can you say "40-year-old linoleum"?


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We here at BoCoTen love to give back to the community. That's why we hire only unlicensed contractors to perform maintenance work and property managers with severe cognition problems brought on by years of methamphetamine abuse. (Trust us. You're going to love dealing with her.)

Whenever you require maintenance at BoCoTen, we guarantee we'll have it fixed within three months. And while we're here, we might just rip out your shower and blame you for the 35-year-old one being worn out and leaky. We want you to have the total slum experience here at BoCoTen. Remember, if you need maintenance done, you don't even have to call us, because we'll already be in your house while you're not there, searching the premises for contraband because we know all renters are scum.

If you don't think you're getting a good deal once you live here, we'll remind you that rent prices are through the roof in this community, and this is all you can afford. We are the housing equivalent of an abusive spouse. You stay because you've got nowhere else to go.

So if you think BoCoTen is right for you, come by and see us. We're located in what used to be quaintly called "The Mexican Side of Town" or "MexSiTo" for short. Call 1-800-Profits4Us for more information.

Hurry, this unit will go faster than you can say "asbestos-caused mesothelioma"!

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