We are all really impressed down here with how you made 2016 suck so thoroughly. Like, really, really impressed. Nice job. No, really. The orange Hitler thing was truly inspired. We didn't see that one coming. This year also, somehow, managed to murder the notion that some things are just facts and not up for debate. We will miss you, facts, even if you did skew left.
This column was going to be a plea to you, oh Lord, to give us back David Bowie, Leonard Cohen and Prince in exchange for some less likeable public figures. But with all the horrible things happening in the world — Aleppo, climate change, everything that's about to happen in the United States, etc. — it seemed trite and stupid to complain about dead celebrities.
Having said that, God, would you mind making Carrie Fisher's legacy less about how she played Princess Leia and more about the accomplished novelist she became? In case you didn't know, she also wrote books. Check out "Postcards from the Edge." And she advocated for greater mental health awareness, an important problem affecting millions of people (and me in particular today). Her appearance in "The Blues Brothers" taught me at a young age the dangers associated with dating white girls. She was so much more than just a hot chick in a gold bikini put on this planet as fodder for Star Wars fanboys to gratify themselves to. Bipolar writers' lives matter!
While I'm here, let me say that a year is just an arbitrary passage of time. But 2016 was lame — so lame, in fact, that it has taken on a personality. Since this year has decided to be a person, bad things can happen to it. So God, if you can distract your followers from refusing to make gay wedding cakes and worrying about who's urinating where, I sure would appreciate the following things happening to 2016:
1. Troll it online until it develops an eating disorder.
2. Sucker it into a camping trip. Once you get it away from civilization, inform 2016 that it has 30 minutes and you are coming after it. Tell it, "No one will hear you scream out here, you rotten bastard." Or something to that effect. Use your imagination.
3. Assemble enough ingredients to legally constitute a clandestine methamphetamine lab, place said ingredients in a trash bag, throw bag in 2016's back yard, phone in anonymous tip. Optional: Buy snacks and a lawn chair, post up across the street and wait for the SWAT team. Trust me, it's fun to watch.
4. Throw 2016 off of a 30-story building like Hans Gruber at the end of "Die Hard," just to see the look on 2016's face.
5. Take video. Show to 2017 as not-too-subtle threat.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are doing a real bang-up job making life feel like it's taking forever.
Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme