Fantz in Your Pants
Fantz (Christy Fantz)

Hi, Fantz. What's shakin'?

The Silver Foxes from Vic's are ready to charge at 2017 full throttle. Well, as fast as we can with Nick's new hip, Norris's back issues and Irwin's cane.We got out the abacus and discussed that the five of us have been married for a combined 214 years.

John, the lone wolf of the pack, had his eyes on ZaZa Gabor for his third attempt at marriage, but she lost a leg and that simply wasn't going to work out. Now he's bird-doggin' a senior exercise class, but Vegas odds say he rides this thing out alone. Zayne is still down in New Mexico building a website for the sixth year, so he's not charging the hill with us.

My question for you is: Irwin still uses a typewriter and he's having trouble finding ribbon. Do you have any advice that could be helpful?

— Doug

Silver Foxes:

You boys sound like a pack of teenagers clawing at a chest of vintage Betamax smut. (Just the tip: Porn now comes in all shapes and blowholes on the world wide web dot xxx.)

Before I address each of my dears, let's all wash down four ibuprofen with whiskey.

My counting board told me that 214 years divided by five dudes equals 42.8 lovely years of marriage apiece. You've been hitched to your broads longer than it took Zsa Zsa to realize her leg was gone.


Hell, cavemen flipped over prey faster than it takes Irwin to fetch his espresso from Vic's couch to the counter, so congratulations on longevity.

Nick: A shiny new hip. Be sure to WD-40 that beast in the winter and you'll be Prius-style thrusting your old lady in no-time flat. Prop her on bed's edge, grip that walker, hose down with Vaseline and launch that antique rocket.

Norris: I could be half your age, but I've thrown my back out a half-dozen times. I feel your pain. Are you aggravating the sciatica when applying Preparation H? Have your broad lube your starfish instead of you twisting around like a pretzel.

Irwin: Due to aforementioned slipped discs, I also carry a cane in my car. Is yours polka-dotted with a silver snake collar? Mine isn't either. Please keep this in mind for my 2017 Christmas present.

John: Your dear ZaZa kicked the bucket last month. Condolences on that. As for your aversion to absent appendages, what if her prosthetic was a solid-gold Pez dispenser? Fret not, there's still time for love. For every Viagra script filled, there's a cobwebbed geriatric thirsty for a well-lubed bone.

Zayne: Are you rich? Call me. Do you have access to a polka-dot cane? Call me. I have a fax number if your landline is tied up. Please send me some green chiles via carrier pigeon. I'll send a 3-cent banknote on horseback to repay you.

Doug: I'm not sure where Irwin can find typewriter tools. Maybe in Aisle General Store next to the floppy disks and batteries. Send Irwin a telegram so he knows where to go.

We can all learn some lessons from the dear Silver Foxes: A. Meet with good friends weekly. B. Keep reading glasses on hand lest you mistake Vagisil for toothpaste.

Keep those compression-sock suspenders tight, boys. My crystal ball says 2017 is the year of the Silver Fox. But it also told me to put a sawbuck on Seattle Slew in the third at Belmont, so it may be rusty in the soothsaying department.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her: