Fantz
Fantz

Dear Christy,

Where can I get a happy ending? Can I call and ask massage places if they offer them? What's the etiquette?

— Release Me

Deep Tissue:

Ride your electric toothbrush off into the Colorado sunset, suck on a J, twirl under handfuls of glitter and imagine you're a pile of cash sitting belly-up to a bar during a cuddle party with free cigarettes.

Oh, a massage. Right.

Definitely don't dial up every joint and ask if they can diddle you for extra credit. I have some free time. Shall I conjure up sex for you, too? Or are you just looking for a dry rub?

Let's check my sources.

Dear Rolodex: I know you don't have any massage parlors on your spindle because I've never had a massage. I've also never owned a Rolodex, so what are you doing here? While I've got you on the line, what are your thoughts on technology? Condolences on your irrelevance. While chilling on a shelf at Goodwill, do you ever throw yourself at passers-by who drop pins or share contacts in one click? Hang tight. Don't set your hair on fire. You're vintage. Try to get cast in a Tarrantino flashback. He'll shine you up all nouveau pastiche and shit.

Oh yeah. I'm in a question.

Let's call Siri.

Hey Siri, where can this jagoff get a happy ending?

Siri: Here's what I found for Happy Family restaurant.

No. Happy ending.


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Siri: Here's what I found for The Endoscopy Center.

Jesus, Siri. Why do I even talk to you?

Siri: There are three results for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Denver.

I hate you.

Siri: I'm trying to help, Christy.

Help this, bitch. *Throws phone into traffic*

This isn't working, dude. Now I'm furious with Siri. And I have to apologize to the IT department for trying to Google inappropriate shit for you at work.

Dear IT Department: First, I'd like to apologize for calling you a "department." I meant to say, "Dear IT Dude," and then follow it with, "newspapers, am I right?"

Let me explain recent odd searches appearing in my work browser history. We're all aware I write a sex/relationship column, and I've discussed with you in the past why things like "furries," "bronies," "swingers," "sex with adults in diapers," "glory holes," "bathhouses," "smegma," "Ashley Madison," "anal beads" and "cannabis lube" have appeared in my search history.

It's my duty as a respected journalist to aid my lovelorn audience.

On that note, my searches Monday night were also not for my benefit. I am not looking to get lubed up in Crisco and blast body fluids all over some well-oiled establishment. I am simply trying to respond to this here jag who hasn't read the recent literature on "search engines," "private browsing," "Backpage" and the like.

But since we're being honest, I lied about the cannabis lube not striking my fancy. Plus, I ate Husband's Heath bar last night.

Good talk.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants.