Bear
Bear

"So we crunched the numbers," Chad began checking his teeth in the mirror for flecks of kale, "and basically, we can increase profits one 10th of a percent for the next quarter if we switch all the low-level employees to a high-deductible health insurance plan."

"That's great, Chad," replied a chuckling Todd, zipping up his slacks at the urinal. "But I'm not sure what high deductible means."

"Basically, it's insurance with a deductible so high that a visit to the doctor's office can cost $240. It's so expensive for them to use, they won't. That'll save us on the back end."

"That's great, Chad. Corporate is going to love that."

"We are thinking of selling it as 'Take Charge of Your Health' to the employees. The stupid ones will fall for that. And the smart ones will know that they can't do anything about it. Either way."

"That's what they love to hear in corporate, Chad."

"It's really great. With this new administration, we will pretty much be able to do anything we want."

"God bless America."

They both laughed. Chad and Todd each took a terry cloth towel from the elderly restroom attendant and didn't tip. They got on the express elevator.

"I was thinking," Chad mused. "Maybe we can start charging the employees for each time they use their pass keys to get in the properties."


Advertisement

"I like it. I really like it. I shouldn't be telling you this, Chad, but corporate is talking about a VP spot for you."

"It's about time."

"I think once you sell them on this high-deductible insurance idea, you are a shoo-in."

"Speaking of high deductibles, I've got a friend down at D. Klein Health — one of our providers — and they have got some great videos. Waiting room stuff. Have you ever seen a 38-year-old man have a nuclear meltdown because he can't cover the copay to get his mood medication prescription refilled?"

"Can't say I have, Chad."

"Oh my god, it is hilarious. I'll Dropbox you one. I don't know why, but I love watching a grown man cry."

"Sounds fantastic."

"There's another one with an elderly woman who can't afford her chemo. There's this little group hug thing with her grandkids. Priceless. I tell you, I almost fell out of my chair."

They exited the elevator and walked across the underground parking garage.

"What are your plans for the weekend?" Chad asked.

"Oh, I'm going to a men's retreat out on Catalina. We drink ayahuasca and verbally abuse puppies," Todd replied. "What are you doing?"

"The wife and kids are at her mother's. So I'll be doing the usual."

"Having sex with prostitutes on a pile of money?"

"That's correct, sir. Twins from Holland. If you are in the market, I know a guy."

"That sounds great, Chad."

"The best part is my insurance covers it. Mental health."

Chad and Todd laughed and high-fived. They entered their respective luxury German automobiles and hauled ass toward the surface street.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme