Liz Marsh
Liz Marsh

If you're a single, straight, male between the ages of 30 and 40 in the Denver metro area and you are on a dating website, there is a solid chance my family is catfishing you.

I started to suspect something a few weeks ago when my sister sent me a text in the middle of the day: "What's the last book you read?"

Given the fact that my sister has never asked for, nor accepted, a single book suggestion of mine, I was fairly certain she had ulterior motives.

Then I had a flashback to a conversation that occurred over Christmas. "I'm just going to date for you," my sister had said to me. "I think I'd be really good at it."

"You won't, I promise you," I replied. "The internet is a depressing hellscape."

I showed her screenshots I had taken of men on dating websites, men wearing cats like shawls, men with tattooed eyebrows, men whose favorite movie is "Forrest Gump."

And then there were the bathroom-selfie men. So many bathroom selfies. Pro tip: If you don't have one friend you can ask to take a picture and you can't think of a better place to be photographed than a bathroom, there are things in your life you need to take care of before you attempt to date someone.

When I think back to those photos, to those men, I can't imagine ever trying to find a date on the internet again. It's truly not worth the time, anticipation and subsequent disappointment when the best possible outcome is a shitty date or two.


Advertisement

So, was I mad when I found out my sister stole my photos and identity and set up a profile on dating websites on my behalf? Nope. I have a sense of adventure and zero fucks to give.

Instead of stressing over pictures and "get to know me" quips, I will pretend I know nothing about it. When my sister hands me a phone number and says, "I have someone I want you to meet," I'll pretend it's a friend of hers.

I was heartened by the fact that shortly after I discovered what was going on, my sister sent me a text, "Turns out I'm a lot pickier when I'm being you."

Read more Marsh: coloradodaily.com/columnists