Bear
Bear

"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" was a great title but a bad movie (I never read the book). Although it wasn't trying to be anything it wasn't, it could have been better. Much better.

During several late-night phone calls with my good friend Scott — a liberal-minded chap who lives in deep red Oklahoma and is game for blaspheming for the sake of a good laugh — we decided on another great title: "Jesus Christ: Dragon Slayer."

Although I have a hard time understanding Scott most of the time (Oklahomans don't have an accent as much as a refusal to speak correctly) I'm pretty sure he suggested that the title be "Jesus Christ! Dragon Slayer," forcing anyone who says it to emphasize the name of our Lord and Savior in the manner most people like Scott and me usually invoke His name.

The scene: A park on a sunny day in any American city. Families sit on blankets and have picnics. Dogs chase frisbees. A man ice cream cones to laughing children. Without warning, a portal opens up, black with flames around the edges, and fire-breathing dragons come pouring through. People run screaming. Some are on fire. It's horrifying

Cut to the portal. A figure, more of an aura really, emerges. The dragons momentarily stop eating people and gaze upon the figure as it steps from the portal. It's Jesus of Nazareth, complete with the flowing robe, but this time he has bandoliers strung across his shoulders. The dragons race toward him with unbridled fury.

Jesus remains calm.


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"I am the truth, the way and your worst nightmare, cabron," he says as he produces a sawed-off shotgun and dispatches the first dragon.

This might be a good time to mention that in my vision of this movie, Jesus is Mexican. Jesus is always showing up in Mexico, so it makes sense to have an all-Mexican cast. This idea came to me miraculously one evening when the CNN feed on the newsroom television was accidentally changed to Univision, and I was treated to a telenovela for the better part of an hour. It was wonderful.

This will work on two fronts. One, it will be awesome. Two, it will anger white racists who will say "Jesus wasn't Mexican!" Maybe, but he wasn't a white boy, either.

Of course, if this ever gets made into a movie, the studio heads will shove a white Jesus on us with some limp reasoning that they need a star (read: white person) in order to make the film profitable. See "Exodus: Gods and Kings" if you don't believe me. I haven't seen that many white people since my last family reunion.

I digress. This is mostly a trailer in my mind. So I'm thinking a shot of Jesus spinning head over sandals, twin shotguns blazing, then sharing an embrace with Mary Magdalene as he raises the shotgun to send another dragon to hell. ...

Tagline: This Summer ... Jesus Saves ... Your Ass.

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