Freeman
Freeman

Every morning when I wake up, before I eat or shower or brush my teeth, I check my phone for emails. I average about 20. Not because I'm popular, cool, funny, smart or handsome. Well, I am all of those things, but my inbox is full because I'm searching for jobs.

I managed to accidentally subscribe myself to one or two headhunting websites, which sold me off to about 10 other headhunters. A lot of these sites send me the exact same job postings, just with different colors. Most sites want you to pay for using their resources, and it's nearly impossible to unsubscribe.

I spend a few minutes going through and deleting jobs that I either don't know how to do or don't want to do. I see plenty of offers to drive for Lyft or move boxes. I don't think I'm too good for those jobs. Before I'm called a snowflake who's too special to do hard work, I know nothing about HTML and already taught swim lessons when I was a teenager.

Next, I mark the jobs I'll apply to after breakfast. Usually one or two out of the 50 are worth my time.

The truly fun part is reading the two or three daily rejection emails. This happens when you apply to about 10 to 20 jobs a day. I reply, "I'm sorry I didn't get the job. I hope the new person works out. Please keep me on file just in case something else opens up." And they never do.


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Job searching is a full-time job. Although people laugh at this, it's no fun filling out these online forms. These places want your resume, then you need to fill in the exact same information anyway as you go through their site. After about 10 of these, I start spelling my own name wrong.

Sometimes I finish and find out I've already applied for the job. Or I finish and they instantly tell me they already filled the position.

In the old days, offices wanted your resume, cover letter, references and maybe a letter of recommendation or samples of your past work.

Now they need much more personal info. First, you need an account on the company's website, so you have to create a password and give them your mother's maiden name "just in case you forget."

I'm already giving out my former coworkers' personal phone numbers and email addresses. Now my potential employers want to know my professional references' home addresses. I don't even know those and am not about to give them to some stranger.

I send my LinkedIn profile and my personal blog, but I draw the line at Facebook. My private life is private. But they still want to know it.

I get asked about my race and if I'm older than 18, male, female, a veteran or disabled. I didn't even know those were legal questions.

It doesn't stop there. I've been asked for my age, driver's license number and Social Security number. It sucks, but if you want to apply, you've got to do it or you can't complete the app.

I've been asked if I use tobacco, because they don't hire smokers. I don't smoke, but what difference does it make? Most of these places don't even offer health insurance, so what's it cost them? What's next? Am I going to get asked if I eat candy, drink coffee or chug booze on the weekends? Am I supposed to give my fucking blood type? Height? Weight?

With all the cybercrime out there, it's nerve-wracking giving this info to people who generally don't even contact you. But you've got to jump through these hoops and smile while you're doing it.

I can't imagine how women feel. You know there are some guys out there who look at LinkedIn and judge whether they want to work with a "fat girl" or the "chick with big tits."

Screw it. Maybe I'll just slap a sticker in my window and drive for Uber.

Read more Freeman: coloradodaily.com/columns. Stalk him: comfyconfines.wordpress.com