When a horde of evil dragons burst through a trans-dimensional portal and set about destroying creation six months ago, Jesus of Nazareth emerged close on their heels and spent the next several weeks dispatching the fire-breathing beasts with his twin sawed-off shotguns.
It's been an honor and a privilege to watch a Middle Eastern dude in long flowing robes and bandoliers kick dragon ass and take dragon names.
The Man from Bethlehem also rallied the citizens of Earth to rise up against the Serpent Army. But his efforts have been met with staunch resistance. From whom, you may ask? The Republicans, of course. Who else? Seriously, who else would come out as pro-dragon if it served their interests? Ugh, that makes me so mad.
Calm down. OK. I'm all right. I'm all right.
The following is an official communication from the Republican National Committee (facepalm):
The Republican party has long prided itself as the party of personal responsibility and limited government. Jesus Christ's recent efforts to unify humanity in an end-all, be-all fight against dragons is sadly moving the United States in the direction of socialism. We believe that free-market capitalism will sort out the so-called "dragon problem."
Despite the pronouncements of hysterical alarmists, the science is not set in stone as to whether or not dragon fire actually poses health risks to people who are burned by it. It's obvious that Jesus is using dragons — praise be upon our scaly overlords — to advance his liberal anti-freedom agenda. He is also in league with certain media outlets who have let their anti-dragon bias be known to all.
We fear that if Jesus is allowed to continue his "crusade," it will undermine the religious liberty of Christians in the United States who we all know are better than everyone else. And it's already happening. For example, a baker in Chickasaw, Okla., was asserting his sincerely held religious beliefs last week when he refused to serve a group of dragon slayers who had come into his shop looking for bear claws. He was admonished by Jesus on social media.
We call upon Jesus to stop being such a social justice warrior and revert to being a mystical figurehead we invoke to advance the GOP platform, mainly that rich people deserve that extra bit of income — even if it means poor kids won't get lunch — and that women are inherently second-class citizens who need to shut up and make dinner, preferably nothing too ethnicky.
And guns, lots of guns. We feel that Jesus using his shotguns with surgical accuracy to kill dragons and never hit any innocent bystanders is nothing more than thinly veiled gun control, and that is tyranny, folks.
P.S. Anyone who says the president is colluding with the dragons is lying and fake news. Sad!
Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme