Suffer from dry genitals? Is your bushwacker left scaly and cracked from eczema? Foreskin enveloped in redness and irritation?
Does your penis suffer from under-eye puffiness, fine lines and wrinkles? Is your sack the victim of mild swelling or puffiness? Have you discovered that extra-moisture lotion doesn't keep your cock and balls soft enough after three to five extended stroking and rubbing applications a day?
Do you ever gaze in envy at aloe-infused plush socks and wish you could jam your tallywacker inside them? One that's pH-balanced for men but strong enough for Betty White?
There may be a product out there for you.
Trojan now offers an over-the-counter aloe-infused condom. Now you can prevent pregnancy and disease while lubricating your jock inside a cock sock infused with soothing, moisturizing and healing aloe vera. It should be discarded after one use, kept away from pressure washers and not hung up to dry.
Do not ingest the condom if you are pregnant or nursing. Aloe-infused condoms can cause minimal side effects, including: crotch itch, tapeworm, allergic reaction, swelling of the nuts, psoriasis, uncomfortable bunching of the tighty whiteys — in addition to wood of the morning, afternoon and evening variety.
Since you're a man, baby, you can freely purchase this form of birth control over the counter, all the time, at all the places that have ever existed in the world for all the forevers and evers, amen. Probably even at church gift shops, Burlington Coat Factories and Oval Offices. Some people even hand out handfuls of free ones.
Act now and get a free trial of Viagra — because erectile dysfunction is not a pre-existing condition. Hey, neither is male-pattern hair loss, so load up on the Propecia, too.
Note: I am not a doctor. The condom does exist outside of my satire.
Have you heard about the new sexual term "sheathing"? WTF.
— Fun Time Fran
Not until now. (That was me, corporate IT.)
And now, here's what I learned: Sheathing is like housing a large tampon inside of you for an extended period of time — something not unusual for ladies. But this particular act would be like if that tampon had a dude attached to it.
It would be like laying in bed with a broken vibrator inside your plowhole for hours, giving no pleasure — and having a human in tow.
In urban terms, it's putting the P in the V and leaving it there for a couple hours. No further action required.
Urban Dictionary tells us it's a form of commitment. Apparently, those who practice this nonsense even pack lunches for the bedroom so they can snack while their genitals spoon each other.
How long does this inaction last, you ask? When the P becomes pruned. (Gross.) Or if you have to urinate. There are no orgasms allowed and no calling or texting during the act.
It's kind of like when you're all cozy in a journalism job and then a hedge fund pees inside you.
And things of that nature.
Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants