Bear
Bear

Everyone loves a trilogy.

The one that springs to mind is, of course, "Star Wars." People liked that trilogy so much, the Disney suits are making another one. I can take or leave "Star Wars," but I do love John Williams. The "Imperial March" was my drinking anthem in my 20s, which is why I've spent my 30s drinking cafe au lait (or "cafe misto," as they inexplicably call it at Starbucks).

"The Lord of the Rings" is also held up as one of the great trilogies. I found the entire affair to be an ordeal, although I did enjoy the apeshit berserker trees at the end of the second movie. They should have just made three movies about walking trees.

None of this is of any consequence, however, because the best trilogy is "The Dollars Trilogy." That's right: "Fistful of Dollars," "For a Few Dollars More" and "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

My college paper advisor would at this point tell me to get to the point, and here it is:

We've had two world wars. Let's go ahead and have a third and round out the trilogy. The Germans can be the good guys. Everyone loves a redemption story, and I'm sure the Germans would love that opportunity.

Everyone also loves a plot twist. Sadly, that will be the Americans who made a brief appearance in the first war and were one of the main protagonists in the second. Wouldn't it be surprising to learn that the Americans were bad all along? They just needed a fat, combover-sporting, orange-faced, golf cart-driving fascist to show them the Dark Side.


Advertisement

It's hard to really get jazzed about a third world war, because tens of millions of people will die. But it seems kind of inevitable. The president picks fights with world leaders on Twitter, much like a teenager, and climate change (totally real and in progress) is going to lead to worldwide conflict.

It will be interesting to see Germany and France pair up to fight fascism and argue about who has better pastry and more efficient sex.

As for America, who knows? Maybe Trump will get impeached and we can call the whole thing off and just do three years of "The Handmaids Tale" under President Mike Pence instead. The third movie in a trilogy is usually not that good anyway.

Side note: I am in no way praising any of history's greatest monsters — don't you hate it when people say "Hitler was a good public speaker"? — but if the United States really wanted to go down the ruinous road of fascism, it could have done better. President Trump looks like the manager of a plumbing supply supply store in Tempe, Ariz.

I'd like to apologize to all plumbers and plumbing supply store managers for the previous reference. Without your tireless efforts, the world would fill up with turds.

Much like it is now.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme