Fantz
Fantz

Shit's been rough. In 28 days, our dog died, two family members were hospitalized and the epic May 8 hail storm trashed our Denver home.

My windows are still boarded. Vitamin D is Vitamin Absent from my Vitamin Shack.

Vitamin Poop. I need a Vitamin Therapist.

I decided to utilize this handy benefit I pay for — health insurance — to seek therapy.

Thank you for calling Kaiser. Go through this user-unfriendly menu and press all these buttons to get to the place that will not take you anywhere close to where you need to go. But we'll feel free to bounce you around departments, you dumb jerkoff. Sit tight.

I tried to speak my health number into the phone.

That number doesn't exist. That number is invalid. That number is passed out drunk on top of my mom.

Keypad it is.

Your estimated hold time is 11 minutes. If you'd like a call back, we will return the call after you push all these other buttons at the end of this fat-ass menu.

Yeah, what the hell. Call me back. I'm driving. I would do this from home or work, but I can't even fit a 20-minute call into my schedule.

The phone rings 11 minutes later.

Thank you for calling Kaiser. How can I help you?

I need to make a therapy appointment to help soothe an overwrought load.

That's what he said. Let me transfer you to the Department of Gouge You in the Ass.


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Thanks.

Due to high call volume, Gouge You in the Ass is experiencing a delay in answering your call. We recognize your time is valuable. Please continue to hold.

Cue saxophone jazz that makes me want to toss my phone into traffic. What ever happened to Kenny G, anyway?

Your estimated hold time is 13 minutes. If you think you have a medical or psychiatric emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

Saxophone jazz. Kenny G in a G-string. Sax jazz. Michael Bolton riding Dog the Bounty Hunter. Sex jizz. Fabio's hair blowing in septic mist. Saxophone jizz. My mind is entering foul territory.

Due to high call volume, we are experiencing ...

Click.

Hello? Hello?

You're fucking kidding me.

Ten more minutes of screen-tapping. (I pulled over, calm down.)

Thank you for calling Kaiser. How can I help you?

I was on hold with the Department of Gouge Me in the Ass and I got cut off. I need to make an anger-management appointment on top of my therapy appointment to help soothe my overwrought load that has been exacerbated by your illiterate phone system. It should have incompetent babies with Siri and then feed them shit popsicles. Then they should all watch Alexa bone Google Assistant gently.

Let me give you that direct phone number, ma'am, then I'll transfer you.

Super.

Due to high call volume, we are experiencing a delay in answering your call. We recognize your time is valuable. Please continue to hold for the next available staff member. Your estimated hold time is 12 minutes. If you think you have a medical or psychiatric emergency, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital.

Sax jazz. Weird Al has weird hair, too. Saxophone jazz.

Thank you for calling Kaiser's Colorado Behavioral Health services. How can I help you?

Hi, I need to make a therapy appointment to help soothe my overwrought load.

Ma'am you have a high-deductible plan, so that will run you $250 per session until you meet your unattainable deductible. Also, you have an outstanding bill on your account for $657. Would you like to put that on the MasterCard we have on file ending in 1234?

Click. Sob. Panic attack.

Visions of tossing an insurer into traffic set to Pantera lullabies.

That's better.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants.