Fantz
Fantz

Dear Christy,

I keep reading articles that say millennials don't like sex, millennials are having way less sex than other generations, millennials aren't hooking up in relationship, etc. Why have millennials been ridiculed from Day 1? And I like sex, why wouldn't anybody like sex? I'm sick of the attack on our generation.

— Millennial Sex

Gen (cr)Y:

You need to stick it in an older broad. You'll find more juice in a middle-aged mama than you will in one of those fucking juice bars your generation has such a boner for.

But I have reassurance. Most of the internet is ctrl+alt+clit and cock-bait. You should know that by now, Generation World Wide Web. (But thanks for reading this newspaper.) Unless Trump implanted clickers in our pissers after he roofied us on the Entertainment Television bus, there's really no way to figure out who in the wide world of sex is plowing whom. (There are too many sex secrets — its science can never fully be undressed.)

Tailed clickbait only ends up gaining more traction, thus spinning it into skewed facts that circle around the web: HuffPost found out why millennials loathe pleasure. The reasons will blow your mind. Click here. You'll automatically be entered into a drawing for a hand job.


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The internet is a creature that made you (Mom and Dad were plowing to porn when you were conceived) and will later be the brute that kills you with your own tears. (It will leave you alone when the next generation is old enough to mentally stomach behind-the-screen torture. Which is impending, hold tight.)

With any human from any generation, a sexual peak will come when it's damn well ready to cum. Some humans don't appreciate sex until later in life, while some smash genitals all over anything that thrusts, vibrates and licks, from age puberty. Maybe most millennials have turned a keen focus towards building a successful career instead of porking a nightclub. Or maybe they enjoyed learning the characteristics, notes and quality of canned wine instead of contracting Tinder-Transmitted Diseases. Maybe some have morals and values. Maybe some are intimidated and dissuaded by the rampant porn industry.

Maybe we shouldn't care. Let the sex happen when the sex is ready to happen.

Come sit on my lap, millennials. Let me stroke your hair. Shhh. It's almost over. The incoming college freshman class is a new generation — Gen Z. Soon enough, the world will stop calling Gen Y lazy, sex-starved, useless freeloaders. The time will come for life to start ripping barely matured teenagers new assholes by tagging them hyperactive, socially inept shitheads who've yet to meet a human outside of virtual reality. The good old life lesson of devaluing innocent people, forcing them to defend a generation while they're still trying to shape and decipher who they are.

If it was flipped, and millennials were having "the most sex," the internet would be tagging you soulless whores without a moral in your black-hearted body. It'll never be happy. So fight back.

Step 1: Buy a newspaper.

Step 2: Get a room with the newspaper and rub one out to food reviews.

That's better.

Now get off me, you're smashing my legs, you good-for-nothing prudes.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants