Fantz
Fantz

Dear Fantz in Your Pants,

I love lounging and floating in the apartment complex pool in the summer. My main problem is, I don't have anything inflatable to lay on other than my sex doll, Darcy. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I've been banned from the community pool for being lewd. Any advice?

— Darcy's (real) man friend

Pool Boy:

After disturbing events in this nation, I genuinely appreciate this image.

Let's party.

Let's fill the Boulder Reservoir with loungers atop various sex dolls: male on male, female on female, female on male, male on female, gerontophile on necrophile, plushy on furry, your mom on my face and the like. We can have a slip 'n' slide drenched in mint julep lube, erotic bounce houses and a community spank house for those who don't respect the safe word, "onomatopoeia."

It'll be fall's top shindig and summer's biggest regret.

But first, let's address your issue. Were you laying on Darcy naked with your dong in her mouth? Or were you caressing her rubber jugs while fiddling with her plastic? All of this in front of children?

Was she being too forceful? You were scantily clad, weren't you? Half-naked, bronzing oil on, getting all boozed up while laying on top Darcy. You were asking for it. Slut.

If you can afford to buy a blow-up doll, you can afford a $5 inflatable raft. Stop scaring the children. Leave Darcy where she belongs, in a closet of mortification where she's trapped under whips, pocket pussies, anal beads, vibrators and air pumps. A place where her only portal to light is a gloryhole. A place that stinks like sex and is petrified of blacklights.


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Dude, now Darcy is screaming "onomatopoeia." Get it together.

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend and I broke up last semester and now I'm back in town for school and I found out she's screwing my fucking roommate. I don't even know if I can get out of the lease. Help? I hate them.

— Screwed in Every Way

Technically, not screwed:

Jerks. All these beautiful humans in Colorado and their genitals had to smash. What a blow. I'm sorry man.

But you're better than that. Don't live there. Hell no. Are you going to watch them cuddle? Hand feed each other bean dip? Listen to zoo noises throughout the night?

Ask them if they'll pay the fee to break the lease. It's the least they can do. It shouldn't be too difficult to find another roommate. It may not be their responsibility, but (contrary to Trump's America) we live in a society. If you hurt someone, taking responsibility is humane.

You may have to be the bigger person, which is the worst. But believe me, hard blows in college will help strengthen your emotional muscles for better handling post-college distress (which is the actual worst.) Lean on true friends and find another ladypal who shares your common values. Find somewhere peaceful to crash.

If they are still being dicks about everything, put their toothbrushes up your butt. Add Propecia to their shaving cream. Swap their vitamins with suppositories. Use their pillowcases as a whack rag. Bone consenting strangers until the tears dry up.

Now get to work. That shampoo isn't going to fill itself up with piss.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants