As I gazed with utter horror upon the pasty cretins having a moonlight hate march in Charlottesville on Friday night, I couldn't help but notice that whenever white people throw a white power party, they don't seem to be sending their best white people.

I decided that insight would make a pretty sweet tweet. But before I could type out the 140 characters and be immortalized for the five nanoseconds that constitute the internet's attention span, a Nazi douchebag in a jerky muscle car (is there any other kind of muscle car?) plowed into a crowd and killed a woman. It seemed like a bad time for a sweet tweet.

I've spent the past few days arriving at the increasingly grim realization that although I hate Nazis, the KKK and all manner of white supremacists, we check the same box on the census form. All Nazis are white people but not all white people are Nazis is a Venn diagram from which I desperately want to escape. But alas, there's no getting out of this one. In all fairness, I'm sure most of these people don't fill out their census forms anyway because they think the census is part of a United Nations conspiracy.

It was horrifying to see our president reveal himself as a Nazi sympathizer, but the chuckles began trickling back in as the makers of the Tiki torch denounced Nazis in no uncertain terms.


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It wasn't widely reported, but fire also issued a statement:

"I, fire, in no uncertain terms, denounce my use in a march by Nazi douchebags. Fire is not a symbol of hate but a tool useful for searing the flavor into grilled meats and keeping cougars away when camping and telling scary stories in cooperation with my good friend the flashlight."

The color white also came out strongly against bigotry and hatred:

"The color white strongly denounces white supremacists. The color white does not support racial bigotry in any form and resents being used in the phrase 'white supremacist' when 'Nazi douchebag' is more accurate. White is the color of clouds and daisies, not hatred."

The statue of Robert E. Lee also chimed in, succinctly:

"Most of these people protesting my removal don't even know what year the Civil War started."

Probably my favorite this week was the joint statement issued by the National Association of People Missing Front Teeth (I'm on the board of directors) and the Union of American Trailer Trash:

"The NAPMFT and UATT are horrified by the egregious display of bigotry in Charlottesville. While we understand that many of the people at the white supremacist rally were in fact missing teeth and trailer trash, it is important to note that the vast majority of people missing front teeth and trailer trash are good people who appreciate the contributions of people of all races, colors and creed to the rich fabric of American society. We may love NASCAR, but we hate Nazi douchebags."

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme