Bear
Bear

Smoke from the fires burning in the Pacific Northwest has rolled over the Rocky Mountains, settled in the sky above Boulder and choked out the sun. The sunlight that passed through the smoke was imbued with an orange hue, not unlike the stains on a smoker's teeth.

It reminds me of President Donald Trump's spray tan, and the sickly haze floating above the city seemed appropriate Tuesday. The president does or says something awful every day, but his announcement that he was doing away with Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals was among the worst, his greatest hits of awful.

The White House announced Friday that it was going to make the announcement Tuesday, like it was all a reality TV show. And I hate reality TV. Really, it's the only thing I hate. Well, that and social media, which I've been avoiding all day. I don't want to read any more arguments that begin with "Well, Obama ..." followed by passages of Caps Lock words, poorly sourced memes and admonitions of leftist snowflakes/leftist terrorists.

Question for the shitposters: How can someone be an overly sensitive liberal pussy and a violent communist insurgent? It's cognitive dissonance.


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On second thought, don't answer that. You probably have a meme for that you downloaded from your uncle's Facebook page (which he "inadvertently" downloaded from a white supremacist website). Because that's what this is about. You feel like a failure in life, so you'll be damned if some immigrant who went to school and became a chemical engineer is going to make you look like a loser.

Anyway, rather than be consumed by depression and sorrow, allow me to pitch the following: There are 800,000 people on DACA. Can't we, the collected non-assholes of the United States of America, just all marry one?

And I'm not talking about mail-order bride type marriage. You don't have to live with me. You owe me nothing. We'll get married, and you can get your Green Card and go on your merry way. If there is a minimum time we have to be married, even better. We can divorce, and I'll marry another DACA recipient. I'm even willing to marry some dudes.

For clarity, any reluctance to elope with another man is just socially conditioned anxiety. Never had problem with gay folks, never will. You deserve all the wedding cake you want, and once we take care of this immigration problem, we're picketing the hateful bakeries. Me and Jesus. We have your back.

OK, let's figure out if this is doable. As for anyone whining about immigrants, if your last name isn't Twohatchet, your ancestors came here on a boat, so do us all a favor and shut the fuck up.

Trump really can sink no lower as far as being terrible is concerned. He would have to come out in defense of child pornographers. Who knows? It's only Thursday.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme