Fantz
Fantz

Dear Christy,

As a native, I'd like to declare: GO BACK HOME to where you came from. Colorado's overpopulation is hiking rent, cluttering roads and pissing me off. There are way too many out-of-state plates on highways. People need to stop moving here. #overit

— Keep Colorado Colorado

Hello, Sunshine!

Let's enforce an American state-relocation ban. Everybody has to stay where they are forever and ever, amen.

Are you a gay man growing up adjacent to the Westboro Baptist Church? Too bad. Get your ass back in Kansas, young man. Enroll in gay conversion therapy and adapt to your surroundings. Are you a child prodigy with a knack for astrophysics and planetary sciences but live in the confines of a Flat Earth Society? Suck it up, sugar tits. You're stupid and space travel is a conspiracy. Quit blinding us with science.

I'm not a Colorado native. I moved here when I was partying like it was 1999, and you were partying like an embryo. I latched onto this lovely state's teat, slapped its ass and called it my forever home. Thank you, sir, for welcoming me to colorful Colorado, but I'm not going home.

I'm not sure what would even be considered my home. I was born in California and lived in Idaho, Indiana and Florida. The latter, my high school home prior to Denver, is probably inhabited by a gaggle of gangbanging geriatrics. Sure, I enjoy a deep elder dicking like the lot of us, but Florida's humidity makes my pores weep and my hair fuzz, so I'm not going back. Plus, Irma just bitchslapped her, so my home probably doesn't exist anymore.


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I agree, Colorado has changed. Raising rent means we the poor are burb-bound or slinging side jobs in the alley to afford city living. Gentrification is smearing the soul of historic neighborhoods. Some of my favorite joints have shuttered. My former rat-shack near downtown Denver grew into a eyesore complete with sharp points, ornamental grass and clean lines. (Modern damn architecture.)

People have migrated a Mile High for various reasons — from legal cannabis to opportunity, as our unemployment rate is at a record-low. They want to look out their windows and see the most picturesque shit they've ever set their eyes on. They want to go to a place where craft beer flows like my uterus' lining. A place where a Subaru purchase nets a pack of shelter dogs. A place where your grower knows your name. It's a sweet spot to live.

I can understand your anger (especially since out-of-state cars don't seem to come with working blinkers), but if we want to be an all-inclusive nation apart from our xenophobic president, let's not act like him and boot people from Colorado. Whether they're immigrants seeking exile from a torturous tyrant, epileptic humans seeking plant-based healing, adventure-seekers in search of a mountain to hump or a college grad who wants something new, let's all hug like hippies.

And you, pal. Take a deep mountain breath, snort some keef and love your fucking neighbors.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants.