The iPhone and iPad are amazing little contraptions — all of the information in the world, and all you have to do is touch your fingers to the screen.
Science fiction writer and mentally ill person Philip K. Dick predicted the iPad, describing in several novels and short stories an electronic newspaper that he called a homeopape. Dick was and still is ahead of his time. Of course, he did get the video pay phone thing wrong, and newspapers seem to be going the way of the smoking section on a space ship. (He did, however, nail the idea of ubiquitous surveillance. Meet me outside, and I'll tell you more.)
In any case, a universe of information is at your fingertips. And I say "your" fingertips, because I dropped my phone and broke the screen. Again. Now I'm in the unenviable position of choosing whether to fix the screen on my iPhone 5C or spring for a newer model because I've been informed that the next big software update won't work on my phone.
We are up to the iPhone X now, and I'm pondering waiting until the next model comes out, one that is implanted directly into the cerebral cortex. That will happen eventually, and it's not out of the realm of possibility that some terrible technological glitch will occur and fry the brain of anyone who bought the iThought or whatever dumb name Apple will bestow upon it.
Some people believe that the passage in the Book of Daniel — "Shut up the words, and seal the book, even to the time of the end: many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall be increased" — alludes to the information explosion we are now experiencing as a sign of the apocalypse. I'm sure the end is nigh, but it won't be the fire and brimstone promised in the Book of Revelation. It'll be the brain-dead masses mentally tweeting that last vacation photo they just had to share with the world on continuous repeat until they starve. It'll be great.
But the iThought would at least be Apple progression. The Apple Watch is definitely a step back. Seriously, who wants a wristwatch anymore? That's like buying a typewriter. (Lord, please don't let the typewriter become cool with the millennials.) With that in mind, here are some other Apple products to look out for as we swipe right toward oblivion.
• The iWallClock ($299): A state-of-the-art time-keeping device that runs on a single 9-volt battery (not included). It can be affixed to a wall an with official Apple nail ($24.99).
• The iCat ($399): It's a cat, but we put an Apple logo on it. It will keep you from getting lonely in a way that social media can never match. Available in a Steve Jobs black turtleneck.
• The iBacus ($499): It's Apple's take on the classic abacus counting frame. It explodes after six months. Planned obsolescence, baby. Buy an iBacus 2.
• iWhatever ($599): Because you'll buy it. Also available in gold ($999).