Freeman
Freeman

I met one of the loves of my life in an odd way. I didn't come up to her and smoothly ask her on a date. No. My buddies and I sat at a table in a bar. A drunk gal sat at my table and told me I was handsome. Then Drunky grabbed my balls so hard I almost barfed.

Drunky's best friend felt guilty that my both my bubbles nearly burst. BFF decided I handled the situation well, so she gave me her number. We dated, fell in love and all that stuff.

Now, while this inebriated molestation was the start to a wonderful relationship (and a really funny story), I'm completely against groping in public places. I know, call me weird.

It's 2017, and I'm still hearing these same damn stories about the same damn type of people. I like touching women and I like when women touch me, but only if it's consensual. Anyone willing to violate that is less than human.

What I'm trying to say is:

1. HEY, GUYS! NO GIRL WANTS TO BE TOUCHED UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE TOUCHED!

2. The signs should be obvious if she's into you and if she's not into you.

3. I can pretty much guarantee that you're not getting any by copping a feel.

4. Nobody has ever spoken these sentences:

• "That waitress said she didn't need a tip after I slapped her ass and told her she was hot."


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• "Well, my sweet grandkids. I met Grandma at a concert. While she was singing along with the band, I snuck behind her and grabbed her tits. She looked at me, and it was love at first sight."

• "That homeless guy came from behind the dumpster, gripped my hair and licked my ear. So I dug in my purse and gave him a 20. It made my day."

I worked as a bouncer. When I wasn't trying to find ways to kill boredom, I hoped to impress my coworkers by fighting. But I never hoped to deal with gropers. Even though the bosses allowed us to kick the shit out of people and even though they deserved it, I never wanted to deal with a creepy ass-grabber. That situation meant a customer, a waitress, a friend, a sister, a daughter or a mom had to get felt up by some freak who thinks it's OK to walk up to a stranger and touch them. Just writing that sentence makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm sorry anyone still has to deal with this. If this happens to you or you witness it happen, please tell somebody about it and tell them immediately. Positive reinforcement doesn't help gropers learn from their mistakes. They're not puppies, and you can't be the dog whisperer. You should treat them the way an old Russian lady treats a red-headed rented mule. Lots and lots of beatings with Siberian oak branches.

If no one calls them out, these creepers are going to do it again. Or worse. Of course, your safety is paramount, but if you feel safe enough to do so, may I recommend: Scream at him. Grab a cop. Tell a bouncer. Take a self-defense class. Snap a photo and post it on the internet.

Or just do what my ex's best friend did. Seize his nuts and squeeze. Hard.

Read more Freeman: coloradodaily.com/columns. Stalk him: comfyconfines.wordpress.com