Bear
Bear

I'm not afraid of Islamic terrorists, but white men scare the shit out of me.

Don't get me wrong. Religious extremists are bad. They kill and maim people in the name of made-up nonsense. But white men are way worse. Trust me. I'm a member of the club. Sometimes I'm afraid of myself.

Example: Since we are on the cusp of civil war, I considered buying a semi-automatic rifle just in case the thin veneer of civilization crumbles away. Poking around online, I settled on a Ruger Mini-14, a 5.56 millimeter rifle that holds five rounds and has a nice shiny wood stock. I found that to be a respectable choice, lethal but not too macho, and a bargain at only $999.

Main problem: Since my notion of buying a rifle first came to pass, I've found myself in at least three real-world scenarios when, had I been armed, I would have definitely shot someone. Yes, they were all traffic disputes. Since shooting someone for cutting me off would likely be construed as murder in most courts, a rifle is out for me. (I'm not a psychopath, but I am ill-tempered, so why risk it?)

Apparently, that isn't reason enough for many of my fellow white guys. A man with a history of wife beating used a Ruger AR-556 to kill 26 people in Texas on Sunday. The website for the company states that this particular model is an even better bargain than the rifle I was going to buy, clocking in at just $799. And it comes with it's own 30-round magazine!


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What caught my eye the most is that the company refers to the weapon as a "sporting rifle." Let me tell you something: I didn't really like sports to begin with. And I hate them now.

Whenever a Muslim kills innocent people, he is labeled a terrorist. When a white man does it, he is "mentally ill." While that might be the case in many of these weekly mass shootings, the constant need to assign blame to crazy people is insulting to me as a crazy person. I don't hurt people, although I have chewed on and ruined a fair number of steering wheels in the midst of road rage. I'm glad they phased out flip phones, too, as I've murdered a half dozen of those.

Is it at all possible that the men who randomly shoot strangers for no discernible reason other than having a bad day are not crazy, just assholes? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for not allowing crazy people gun ownership. Is there a way to tease crazy and/or asshole out on a background check?

Example questions: Are you having a bad day? Are the voices also having a bad day?

In either case, I'm calling on the powers that be to immediately draft and pass legislation that bans all white men from owning firearms of any kind. As a matter of fact, I'll volunteer to go first.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme