Bear
Bear

I skipped the Super Bowl this year because I don't support a game where the mostly black players sustain horrific brain injuries only to be criticized by mostly white mouth breathers for daring to express political opinions. Likewise, watching the game "for the ads" is less appealing than rearranging furniture or just staring blankly into space.

I was curious about the furor that erupted over the Dodge commercial that used audio from a speech by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It seemed hard for advertisers to sink lower than the Black Lives Matter Pepsi commercial with whichever Kardashian cretin is now famous, but alas, I was wrong.

Such an atrociously cynical ploy got me thinking: How about a beer commercial with Jesus of Nazareth? Let's just go ahead and no longer have any shame at all.

FADE IN:

EXT. BJ'S LAST SUPPER — NIGHT

We slowly pan down from the bright stars that shine above Jerusalem on the eve of the what will turn out to be the crucifixion JESUS OF NAZARETH. The laughter of a pair of merry Roman soldiers is heard as they walk past the front door of BJ's Last Supper. The camera begins to move through the front door.

CONTINUOUS:

INT. BJ'S LAST SUPPER — NIGHT

A slow tracking shot from the left. We see the apostles looking solemn, even bored. We can just make out JESUS OF NAZARETH speaking.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh my god, this is so dull. I had a date tonight with this gorgeous Roman chick. You should see her, man. She's built like a brick shithouse, I tell you. I'm hurting.


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JAMES, SON OF ALPHAEUS, starts to snicker but is shushed by ANDREW. JAMES is incredulous, as though ANDREW should know what a drag this all is.

JESUS OF NAZARETH

And drink of this wine, for it is my blood. And eat of this bread for it is my body.

PETER

Ugh, I can't drink wine. The hangover is just murder. I feel like I'm being crucified in the morning.

JOHN

Dude, not cool. Funny, but not cool.

JESUS OF NAZARETH

And I forgot to mention that one of you shall betray me later this evening.

An audible sigh breaks out over the room.

CUT TO:

JUDAS snickers. He pulls two cases of Coors Light from under the table. JESUS OF NAZARETH, stops speaking and stares at Judas. Jesus is somewhat shocked.

JUDAS breaks into a full-on smirk. As he cracks open a frosty can, the hiss of the bubbling beer is almost deafening. The apostles all pause a beat, then leap from their chairs and let out a collective "WHOOOO." JESUS OF NAZARETH looks wounded but then smiles and takes the beer that JUDAS extends to him. About six beautiful, buxom babes of Jerusalem enter the room with more beer and start dancing.

CAMERA PULLS BACK:

(MANLY VOICE OVER)

Coors Light. Betray your Boredom.

CUT TO:

Titles: Coors Light.

FADE TO BLACK.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme