Valentine's Day is extra somber for those who participate in the religion-ing, church-ing and Jesus-ing. It is also Ash Wednesday, which means it's the first day of Lent, so now you have to suffer miserably and repent for your sins for 40 days. You're a horrible person, don't forget that. And put that steak down.
On a lighter note, Valentine's Day always sends people into a depression tailspin. Singles are sad, wondering when they will find love. Couples bust their wallets on arbitrary gifts. The $40 flowers die in three days. The chocolates get shotgunned at 3:30 a.m. while your glass fills with tears. Today's an all-around hootenanny.
Instead of wallowing, let's smile and pinch people on the asses who don't have pink or red on. (Abort mission. That's assault.)
If you're feeling down, buy yourself a gift. Eat a dog treat. (They're not horrible.) Do something that makes you happy. And above all, get baked out of your fucking gourd until you think you're actually Snoop's hair.
Here are some gift ideas to make the day a winner.
• Andrea Gibson's pocketbook of poetry, "Take Me With You." The genderqueer poet, who lives in Boulder, is full of inspiration. Full of love. Full of quotable content for every color and flavor of the rainbow. Find it at the Boulder Book Store for $15.
• Matt de la Pena and Loren Long's picturebook, "Love." Sometimes love is a kid cowering under a piano when parents fight. Love sucks sometimes. But it's also beautiful. The authors depict real-life subjects that can relate to every age. Find it at the Boulder Book Store for $17.99.
• Heart-shaped ice cream cake from Lindsay's Boulder Deli. As Tina Fey taught us, we can destroy a sheetcake in the name of self-care. Depressed? Motorboat a cake. Happy? Motorboat a cake. Gassy? Motorboat a cake. Plus, ice cream makes everything better. Get classic conversation heart sayings iced on a Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream Cake, then smash your face in it. Check out options at lindsaysboulderdeli.com.
• Wash down that ice cream headache with booze from your new heart-shaped flask. It's a big red heart, but there's one problem: It holds only 4 ounces. So also put the entire handle of whiskey in your mom purse, too, so you can fill up your baby flask. Or don't buy a flask and keep your 1.75 on you at all times. Find it on Amazon.com for $7.49.
• Think you have it bad? Mother Earth is probably hurting more than anybody. The Boulder International Film Festival is coming up (Feb. 22-25), so treat yourself with a ticket to its Closing Night at the Boulder Theater, where "Untitled James Balog Documentary" will screen at 7:15 p.m. Sunday, Feb. 25, for the first time. The work in progress features the Boulder photographer's documentary on humankind's destruction of natural systems. You may know Balog from his work on "Chasing Ice." Snag a ticket at biff1.com for $20 before it sells out.
• Bleeding Heart Chocolate Cherry Lager from Grimm Brothers Brewing is 7 percent alcohol by volume and has chocolate and cherries in it. That's all you need to know. Grimm Brothers is in Loveland, but you're likely to find it at your local booze hole. Or drive to Loveland and expand your horizons, you lazy bastards.
• VD on VD. Get a venereal disease on Valentine's Day. Hop over to your closest strip mall "massage" joint or local bathhouse (see: West Colfax in Denver) and slap another sexually transmitted infection under that belt. While you're over there, swing by Casa Bonita for dinner, but take an Immodium AD first.
• A fat sack of weed. Love is way better stoned. Find it at your local dispensary or back-alley brick-weed slinger.
Glad I could help. I love you people.
Say it back.
Say it back, assholes.