Bear
Bear

No one believed that President Donald Trump would actually meet with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. It seemed entirely out of the realm of possibility, like a unicorn winning the Triple Crown or a white nationalist rapper.

So it was an enormous surprise when the meeting went down inside a small bunker smack dab in the middle of the demilitarized zone that separates the two Koreas.

It was an even bigger surprise when the North Koreans kidnapped President Trump and placed him in the newly constructed "Stupid Fat Orange Monkey" exhibit at the Pyongyang Municipal Zoo, sandwiched in between the giant rabbits and one incredibly lonely yak named Bruce.

Bigger surprise yet: The North Koreans let President Trump keep his Twitter account.

"First Day at Zoo. Asked Sleepy Zoo Keeper if they had anything besides Korean Food. Was told to keep mouth shut and shot with hose. #MAGAMealChallenge."

"Little Rocket Man Kim Jong Un keeps taking selfies in front of my cage. Not classy at all. If it were up to me, I'd put a big beautiful Trump sign up instead. It would be SO CLASSY."

"Low IQ zookeeper told me that they don't have Big Macs and Filet'o'Fish sandwiches in North Korea, so I can stop asking. I don't believe him. #FakeZoos."

"Dennis Rodman came by my cage today, spelled 'Melania' correctly and then told me I'm fired. #IH8TheNBA #NiceHair"

"Seriously, can I have a big mac, please. Or at least some Arby's? Taco Bell. I'll totally do Taco Bell right now. #HispanicsLoveMe."


Advertisement

"Little Rocket Man Kim Jong Un came by my cage today and asked if I'd ever seen 'The Manchurian Candidate.' I said don't support Chinese cinema. He and his entourage all laughed and walked away. #OlBlueEyes"

"The rabbits and I are doing Celebrity Apprentice Pyongyang Municipal Zoo edition but low energy Bruce the Yak won't participate. #Yakoff"

"They rolled a television into my cage. Korean Central Television keeps talking about some guy named Stupid Fat Orange Monkey. He sounds like such a dumb ass. They should interview me about it. I'm a very high IQ person. #SoSickOfKimChi."

"I've only been in the #PyongYangZoo for three days and I can honestly say that I am the best exhibit at the zoo in the history of the zoo. Too bad #FakeNews Korean Central Television doesn't see it that way."

"This is American President Donald Trump. I take the opportunity now to take back previous social media message which was a lie and now I must say Korean Central Television is 100 percent accurate source information for Glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea. #hashtag."

This went on for another six weeks. For the most part, the North Koreans gave President Trump free reign over his Twitter account. Eventually, his weave fell off and he sank into a deep depression when he ran out of bronzer. For some reason, Trump's approval rating in the United States remains at 40 percent.

Bruce the Yak eventually escaped and now runs a yoga studio in Rancho Cucamonga.

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme