Bear
Bear

I'm Chad. I don't exist.

I guess in the Cartesian sense of existence, yeah sure, I exist. I have thoughts, but I have no body and I'm nowhere. People probably imagine that the absence of existence is some sort of formless, black void.

But it's not even that. It's just — nothing.

My memories of what I once was are fading. I remember parents, a brother, a sister, my best friend Todd. I remember the first time I had sex but, oddly enough, not the last time. It's like it never happened, and I don't recall her name or if she was even a woman.

It's like everything, even my memories are just dissolving.

It was FAKE NEWS that did this to me. That's the proper spelling, by the way. All capital letters, so people know you are yelling. No one whispers when it comes to something this serious. A lot of people don't know that, so the next time you want to deride the mainstream media, say it loud.

I am or was a college student. I won't bore you with my political leanings, because I can't remember what they were. People on both sides of the aisle like to rail about FAKE NEWS. Sure, one side does it more, but that is immaterial — like me, haha — for the purpose of this discussion.

I was very political. A lot of people my age, and I don't remember how old I am, are full of apathy. Not me. I was seriously concerned about the direction my country was headed. I think it was the United States of America. But it's all fading.


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College. What a drag. I've never been anywhere so full of itself. Like everyone's high on the smell of their own farts. It's sickening, really. God's honest truth though, I'd take the smell of farts right now. It beats The Horrible Nothing.

A club I belonged to brought a guest speaker to campus, someone who affirmed my political beliefs, whatever they were. He or She or It was highly controversial, so of course people were up in arms. Mostly on social media. People who spend all their time on social media would like it here.

I was sitting in the front row along with my like-minded friends when a FAKE NEWS photographer from the FAKE NEWS school paper walked up and took my photo. I told him where to stick it when he asked my name. Shit, I don't even remember my name anymore.

He walked away, but the rotten SOB used the photo, which ran on the front page the next day. When I saw it — POOF — I burst into flames and here I am. I guess I believed so strongly something wasn't real that when I saw myself incontrovertibly part of it, it undid my existence.

I can say it is better to exist than to not exist, or whatever it is I'm doing right now.

I'm Chad. I don't exist.

I guess in the Cartesian sense ...

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme