Bear
Bear

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Disgust followed by strident calls for an immediate and far-reaching assault weapons ban rang out from the halls of power on Tuesday following passage of legislation officially renaming the well-known semi-automatic rifle AR-15 the VaginAR-15.

"That is just disgusting," said a senator who asked not to be identified. "As a proud champion of the pro-life movement, I simply can't sit by and allow something so associated with death and destruction to be allowed on the streets of our great country."

The senator added that a panel of elected officials and members of the private sector, oddly enough all named Rod and Lance, would be convening in the coming days to discuss how to proceed with the ban.

He said that possible next steps could include a seizure of all VaginAR-15s currently in circulation and free therapy sessions for anyone whose life has been ruined because of the new name bestowed upon the venerated firearm long associated with manliness and virility.

"This is, or was, the greatest country on earth," the senator said while choking back tears. "I just don't know if we will survive something so terrible, to be honest with you. I mean VaginAR-15? That's just gross."

Statistics are still being collected, but preliminary data indicates gun violence has dropped substantially and men feeling grossed out has increased 400 percent. Security blankets and hugs are being handed out nationally wherever guns are sold.


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Muffled but clearly discernible sobbing was heard emanating from National Rifle Association headquarters, and an NRA spokeswoman could not stop crying long enough to comment.

In the hours following the announcement, Cable News Program contributor Screaming Person said that it was "unconscionable for any God-fearing, flag-waiving American to keep such a disgusting piece of machinery in his home."

"For God's sake, think of the children," he yelled so loudly that broken windows were reported at several buildings in the greater Baltimore area.

"I mean really," the pundit continued. "This is just very disheartening, and honestly, this is what you get when you take prayer out of schools. We've moved away from God in this country, and this is what we get — the VaginAR-15. I think I'm going to be sick."

Several national business chains immediately banned the VaginAR-15 from their properties citing religious liberty, and Chad Toddson, president of the traditional family advocacy organization Adam and Eve, Not Adam and Steve spontaneously combusted upon hearing of the new name.

A spokesman for the organization, Todd Chadwick, released a statement shortly after the flames were extinguished decrying the "absolute lack of decency that permeates our culture. There's just no room for such an evil piece of machinery in polite society."

Reached for comment via phone on Tuesday, Shannon Jones, executive director of the Women's Rights Group, said, "Are you people fucking serious?"

"No really," she continued. "This is what it took to get assault rifles banned? Renaming a gun after a part of a woman's anatomy? I just can't anymore with you people."

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