Imagine if someone like Sean Hannity had a radio show in 1858 (and that radio existed in 1858. Let art flow over you, as my mom is fond of saying).

"You're listening to Sean Hannity, and today we have special guest Rep. Alexander Stephens of Georgia. Hi, Alex."

"Sean."

"So, we are talking about this new Republican Party and the existential threat they pose to the United States."

"I'm just sickened by it."

"Right, so we have this new party, obviously very anti-slavery, and you know, that's just the tip of the iceberg with these people. Next, they will want full rights for blacks. And who knows where it stops?"

"Well, Sean, it's an assault on our rights is what it is."

"Oh yeah, you have these Northerners, these interlopers. They want to come down and take hard-working Americans' slaves away from them. And barring that, I'm sure they will propose 'slave control' or some other way to get their foot in the door. Either way, you are right, Alex, this is an assault on our rights."

"What I think these abolitionists don't get is they think that slavery is cruel, but it's quite the opposite. I know lots of slave owners, and I can tell you they are good Christians and they care about their slaves. Sure, there might be an outlier who abuses his slaves, but why punish everyone?"

"Right, they are feeding these people, housing them, looking out for their health. Really, banishing slavery would be a disservice to slaves everywhere."


Advertisement

"Right, Sean."

"I'd go as far to say that slaves really owe their masters a debt of gratitude. And if they don't, you know, they should remember that they aren't even from this country. If they don't like being slaves, they can go back to Africa as far as I'm concerned. Nobody asked them to be here."

"Preach, Sean."

"And really, banishing slavery would have, you know, a terrible impact on the economy."

"Devastating."

"I think our listeners need to know that these Republicans aren't and never will, if I'm being quite honest, looking out for the white man. Who knows what they'll be up to in 160 years if we don't stop them now."

"Really, I mean we might have a black president."

"I shudder at the thought."

"And this Abraham Lincoln guy, what's with the hat?"

"That's a stupid hat, Alex. It certainly doesn't look like the type of hat a good American would wear. And he is like 6 foot 4. What's he trying to prove? He seems like the kind of guy who would eat fancy French mustard."

"Ugh, French mustard. Too fancy for me. I'm a grits and drop biscuits boy myself."

"A quick word from our sponsor Johnson and Johnson leaches. 'When you need medical-grade leaches, think Johnson and Johnson.' And Wilson Surgical Saws: 'When you have to amputate a leg to stop the infection, accept no substitutes.' The time is 8:45 p.m. and the temperature is 63 degrees."

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme