This story did not appear anywhere, because every newspaper and television station closed due to lack of interest. This editor, for one, no longer cares and is sick of this job. This editor is going to binge watch "Keeping up with the Kardashians" and get drunk. Enjoy your fungal overlords.
A malignant strain of hyperintelligent fungus confirmed for the first time Friday that it has assumed control of the United States via intracranial infestation of President Donald Trump and most of his high-level advisors.
"We are the future of the planet you call Earth," said the fungus, which calls itself "Doom Bloom" and claims to be a "singular collective consciousness capable of maintaining intellectual unity across noncontiguous space."
The fungus declined to elaborate.
"We have watched with objective horror at how your hairless bipedal ape race has infested the closed ecosystem known as Earth and degraded it exponentially in the past 200 years," the fungus said. "We will now replace you as the dominant species."
Media analysts have long been concerned that Trump and most of his team appear to be suffering from some sort of group insanity or dementia. Many of Trump's advisors have taken on an increasingly sallow appearance. Friday's announcement appears to corroborate that concern.
"Well, we all know Trump has trouble finishing sentences," said political analyst Chip Wellington. "This is a troubling development. It's too early to speculate, but I think it's safe to say that his body has been hijacked by the Doom Bloom."
The fungus said it infects the host organism via fast food, which is how it was able to gain entry to Trump, his former top advisor Steve Bannon, television host Sean Hannity and spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway, among others.
"You may have noticed, with Bannon in particular, that the infected share an unhealthy appearance, as though they are wearing someone else's skin as a mask," the entity said. "That is us. We infect the host, and it eventually dies. But we can continue to use it as a vessel for several months."
The fungus noted it had not infected top Trump advisor Stephen Miller, and that his appearance is not in any way associated with the Doom Bloom.
"We honestly don't know why he looks like that," it said. "We declined to use him as a vessel. We didn't want to get sick. He is a very disturbed individual."
Miller couldn't be reached for comment Friday afternoon as he is unable to breathe Earth's oxygen-rich atmosphere.
Now that the fungus has operational control over the United States, it said it will initiate a thermonuclear war with Russia and bring about the end of what it calls "tyranny by lifeforms that cast a shadow."
The fungus declined to give a firm date on the nuclear conflagration.
"Once the nuclear fallout settles, we will feast upon the dead, and a new, glorious future will begin," it said. "You can not defeat the Doom Bloom. You are the disease. We are the cure."