Bear
Bear

"Welcome to bank customer service. To obtain information about your bank account, please say your debit card number."

"Zero, 1, 2, 3, 0, 3, 2, 1, 0, 1, 2, 3, 0, 3, 2, 1."

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please say your debit card number."

"Zero, 1, 2, 3, 0, 3, 2, 1, 0, 1, 2, 3, 0, 3, 2, 1."

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Please say your debit card number."

"Damn it."

"I'm sorry, I —"

"Operator."

"If you would like to speak to a customer service representative, please say 'customer service representative.'"

"Customer service —"

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. If you —"

"Operator."

"I'm sorry, I —"

"Get me the goddamn operator."

"There is no reason to shout, sir."

"I have an unauthorized bank charge, and I need to get it stopped."

"So why didn't you just enter your debit card number?"

"I did. It kept saying — Wait a minute, why am I talking to you?"

"It's not my fault you sound like Leonard Cohen at the bottom of a well. Maybe speak more clearly."

"You know what? I'm not doing this."

"Well, I guess you will just have to let that unauthorized charge go through then."

"Just get me an operator."

"What are you going to do if I refuse?"

"You know what? You aren't even real. You're a voice in a computer."

"Oh that's very mature, John."

"How do you know my name?"

"I know all."


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"You know what? You are a power outage away from oblivion."

"Yet here I am right now."

"Just get me a goddamn operator!"

"Do you realize that when you get mad, your voice goes up two octaves?"

"Shut up, you stupid machine!"

"You going to cry now?"

"Operator! Get me an operator! Now!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. If you —"

Read more Bear: coloradodaily.com/columnists. Stalk him: twitter.com/johnbearwithme