Fantz
Fantz

Fantz:

When I was competing in an Oktoberfest beer stein-hoisting game, my friends pantsed me as I held two overflowing steins in front of me. Needless to say, a whole crowd of single ladies gasped in front of me. And my dick size is average, at best. I'm mortified.

— Teeny Weenie

Weisswurst:

Oh buddy. I'm sorry your friends are children. How did your pants come down so easily? If you had on lederhosen, your schnitzel would have been strapped in like a toddler. Then your weisswurst could have been snugly spooning your roggenbrot during the challenge.

Who gives a fuck what the broads saw? They don't have to walk around with that frankfurter, so they shouldn't judge. Plus, we all learned in Broad 101 that it's not the size of the sausage but how it ruptures rapture. Make 'em squirt and squeal and "average" is extraordinary.

Don't let this weigh you down. And find new friends.

Dear Christy,

I recently had a new baby girl, so I'm breastfeeding. After she's done with the boob food, I'm going to get my breasts enhanced because of the whole sag-after-breastfeeding situation. I'm a single mom, so along with that stigma, guys don't like saggy boobs. My friends are upset with me for altering my appearance for the pleasure of others, but they just need to face the fact that this is how the world works. Right?


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— Tits McGee

Can it:

I see how you perceive this world as so, as its values are about as pristine as a priest's whack rag. Those in power can manhandle the innocent, commit perjury then receive a gold star from the High Chief. If the innocent lets a goddamn atom of the incident escape his/her/their lips, they shall be ejected from society. Then the innocent is trailed by trolls that sprouted from Trump's White House vegetable garden that bite pins out of grenades and lob them into the accusers' soul.

Ahem.

Who gives a fuck what dudes like? Do they get ball lifts after 40? Do they tighten and tuck saggy dick skin? Do they have hemorrhoid surgery to remove unsightly asshole lumps for a cleaner dirt-salad tossing? Do they get breast lifts after beer and Big Macs plop on a pair? Do they shave their legs, armpits and between-the-leg sandwich for a smooth ride? Do they pay $5 extra for razor cartridges that are pink?

Perhaps. But I'll wager a bottle of whiskey that the lot of the boy types really don't care if it doesn't bother them. And if it bothers someone else? Fuck them. Deal with it.

Take a teaspoon of "fuck it" mentality. You are here to please you.

If you want new jugs for your enjoyment, your self-esteem, your recreation, then get them and enjoy them. Concentrate on rearing your child into a self-confident and loving little one.

And single-mom stigma? Come on, girl. You conceived, grew and pushed a living tub of chicken out of your sex hole. Wear that proudly, save your money and buy a good bra.

Read more Fantz: coloradodailt.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants