Spring is just three days away, and amore is in the air.

Unless it's not.

If you've recently found yourself at the bottom of love's bitter rockslide, you can take solace in the incredible distraction that climbing provides from other, more important things in life, like love and all that crap. With warmer temps and longer days it's easier -- almost justifiable, even -- to revel in the dysfunction of a climbing obsession. You wake up with a cup of coffee and a plan, climb all day, come home exhausted and collapse into a satisfying solo slumber. Just think of all those saps, sharing a warm bed with a partner every night.

Whatever.

If love is in the air for you this spring, then climbing (or anything -- pick your poison) can assume a healthy place in your psyche. But those for whom the birds don't sing, you're better off under the guise that climbing rocks is the most fulfilling thing on the planet.

Indeed, we can even fool ourselves that climbing is better than sex. Here's why:

Everyone needs to warm up for climbing.

Lovemaking, too, deserves a warm-up. Unfortunately, lovers aren't always on the same wavelength.

Climbers, on the other hand, universally recognize that physical, emotional, even spiritual preparation is crucial before a big climb.

The climber's goal is simple and shared.

The lover's goal is simple and shared, too -- until it becomes complicated. Expectations creep in, needs go unmet and before you know it, you're alone on the couch on a Friday night, drooling on yourself and an empty bottle of whisky.

Thankfully, the goal of ascent is crystal clear: Climb to the top.

Protection makes climbing more fun; sexual protection, well ...

To climb or have sex unprotected is reckless. The difference is that climbers can't wait to get good pro' while lovers would prefer to run it out.

Chris Weidner ( PAUL AIKEN )

Threesomes are a regular arrangement.

Who hasn't ... I'll rephrase that ... what guy hasn't fantasized about having a threesome? In climbing, an efficient team of three can move as fast as a pair, while splitting leading and hauling duties in thirds. Unfortunately, I lack the experience to comment on the -- ahem -- efficiency of a trio in the bedroom.

Sharing toys is no big deal.

Face it: Every time you climb with someone new you check out their rack. Of gear, that is. Sharing climbing toys with your friends is part of the game. If you've even considered sharing your "other" toys, however ...

The highly seasoned climber is a coveted partner. The lover of matching experience is creepy. Promiscuity in climbing -- traveling the world, meeting new partners as you go, gaining as much varied experience as possible -- makes you attractive as a ropemate. This type of adventurous sexual promiscuity renders you less than savory (at best) in the eyes of the opposite sex.

Soloing is unpredictable.

Free-solo, rope-solo, aid-solo, big-wall-solo ... it's all exciting, pretty much all the time. Sexual soloing? You're on your own.

Every time you fall it's not in love.

It's often safe to fall while climbing. It's never safe to fall in love.

Contact Chris Weidner at cweidner8@gmail.com.