From Left to Right Kourtney Kardashian, Kim Kardashian & Khloe Karashion seen at  Westfield shopping centre for the launch of the "Kardashion
From Left to Right Kourtney Kardashian, Kim Kardashian & Khloe Karashion seen at Westfield shopping centre for the launch of the "Kardashion Kollection" at Dorothy Perkins on Saturday, Nov.10 , 2012, in London. (Photo by Ki Price/Invision/AP) (Ki Price)

K ourtney, Kim and Khloe Kardashian were granted a key to the city of North Miami.

That's special.

Let's speculate on what door said key opens.

-- Jeb Bush's underground bunker, filled with stolen ballots and deep-fried pig nuts

-- Don Johnson's "Miami Vice" wardrobe

-- A room where the sun shines like a dirty tumor and cancer has no name

-- A lounge of cocaine cowboys

-- Man Beach Thongs 'R' Us

-- The Birdcage

-- Salsa

I like to stereotype.

Kim and Kourtney were on hand (an hour late) to pick up the honor from ...

Oh this is so stupid.

Next...

She's a monster!

Charlize Theron is channeling her inner "Monster."

For her new movie, "Mad Max: Fury Road," she shaved her head, with a recent photo showing the former model with a black buzz cut.

That broad would look good in a dirty diaper.

Plus, I'm sure a cool couple mil for the shave didn't chap her ass.

Headline of the week

"Jessica Biel Dons Frumpy Getup as She Gushes About Honeymoon With Justin Timberlake"

Well, folks. It's like they always say, "first a bride, then a rawhide."

("They" = me. I'm clever.)

Also, her bangs look stupid.

'Jelena,' por qué?

OMG, PDA. WTF.

Christy: Por qué, Jelena?

Jelena: Porque, Christy.

(Pork? Ey?)


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Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were caught getting all snuggly at a post-American Music Awards bash, then went home together.

Get it together, kids, you're giving me heartburn. Stabilize your Facebook relationship status. (Praise stars my doctor said Mylanta.)

Beat it, Beckhams

David Beckham announced that he's leaving Major League Soccer team the Los Angeles Galaxy.

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Nice. Maybe he'll pack up his misspelled tattoo and ship his witch maven's decrepit ribs back across the pond. However, since Gwenyth Paltrow and Madonna have taken over her native Britain, now she has to step it up to take it back.

Bend it like Beckham, bitch.

Also, kick rocks!

What a gent

Rapper Pitbull told Access Hollywood that he's "single, bilingual and ready to mingle."

Bitch, you so krazy. Yo mama, she gets krazy. Now jump up, let's get krazy.

He then enlightened us on the deep significance of his name:

"Pitbull comes from, anybody that has seen the dog... it's a mentality where, they're almost too stupid to lose. 'Lose' is not a part of the vocabulary. There's no such thing as win or lose, there's just win and learn and when it comes to a pitbull they bite and lock and don't let go until they take care of business."

Thanks. As I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, I attempted to decipher what you really meant by "Pitbull."

(Really. I was sitting between Dwayne Johnson and a hard place.)