christy fantz
Christy Fantz

In light of Kim Kardashian's knocked-upage by Kanye West, I'd like to propose the creation of future Hollywood "royalty."


I nearly purchased a $2.99 Khloe Kardashian-faced Life & Style to peruse it for this here column, but I decided to get a burrito from Taco Bell instead. It's been Yankee Doodle Dandy since I put a gossip rag on the grocery tab. Print media. Who needs it?


Our paper love affair with you, dear sweets, is via these here tree droppings. (Heeeeeey. Have you checked out Everybody's doing it.)

(I'm done)

On to future Shilos, Drew Barrymores, Ben Stillers, Tori Spellings, Jaden Smiths, Miley Cyruses, if you will.

The formula is quite simple.

Couple: These two bang. Spawn: This kid is made.

Comedy tycoon

Couple: Tina Fey and Justin Timberlake

Spawn: Clever Timberlake. The genetics are quite obvious. Both parties are simply the snake's hips. This child will become the next Lorne Michaels with an ass that won't quit.

Sophie's sensation

Couple: Justin Bieber and Sofia Vergara

Spawn: Jupa me Plantain Bieber. This kid is going to have hot Latin heat up to her jugs. Jupa will have her first single top at No. 13 on the death metal charts.


You might think...

Couple: Hulk Hogan and Brooke Hogan

Spawn: Ace Hogun. (He'll change his last name to have "gun" in it.) This lad becomes a male model for public access TV. He hits it big when his YouTube channel, "Lubing Up the Hogans," hits it big in the skin cancer capital of the world -- wherever it is those leathery folks reside.

'Ello Govna

Couple: Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper and Zooey Deschanel

Spawn: Pilsner Penelope Hickenlooper. I wouldn't mind said doe-eyed doll being Colorado's First Lady. She smokes grass, right? And Johnny Boy, you're our main man, man. This child will become the creator of the nouveu-radicaleu music festival: India Jazz Pale Grass. You know, Hick and Wynkoop, Zooey and tunes. Right.

Always money in the banana stand

Couple: Jessica Walter and Jeffrey Tambor

Spawn: Michael Lindsay Gob Buster Bluth. What a perfectly disastrous "Arrested Development" child.

Someone let the beast know that that it's OK to let a little vodka go bad.