Just because I'm freakishly tall doesn't mean I'm a carnie.
Just because your mom has a beard doesn't mean she's a carnie.
And just because you have an extended tailbone that protrudes from your skirt doesn't mean you're a dog. But you should be a carnie.
Head to Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret, 1601 Arapahoe St., Denver, Friday for Midnite Martini's Sexy Circus Sideshow. There may not be real carnies at the show, but there will be Midnite Martini, who will be performing aerial dance at the 11 p.m. late show. (You guys just woke up, anyway.)
As it touts, it's sexy and filled with belly dancers, acrobats, jugglers, stilt walkers, musicians and comedians.
Info: http://lannies.com; $20-$25
Enough with the fireworks.
Let's set this city on fire with our own fireworks (i.e., a bourbon milkshake, short shorts and our sultry Latin heat. Speak for yourself).
Wrap up your hot dog hangover and head to Cherry Creek Arts Festival today through Sunday in Denver (between Columbine and Steele streets and Second and Third avenues).
Aside from the probable toddlers in gold-plated strollers, soccer moms hauling around Escalades and Whole Foods bags and walking the red carpet in Dior like a damn hooker, you have a chance to check out a ton of local art in the high-class Cherry Creek North.
The event will feature work from more than 250 artists -- many of them local. There will be the typical culinary delights, interactive performances, vendors and artist meet-and-greets.
Info: Friday and Saturday 10 a.m.-8 p.m, Sunday 10 a.m.-6 p.m.; cherryarts.org; free
I'll play some drums for you, pa rum pum pum pum.
Dammit. Wrong holiday.
But, there are lots o' drums coming to town.
On Saturday at 7 p.m., Sports Authority Field at Mile High, 1701 Mile High Stadium Circle, Denver, will host the annual Drums Along The Rockies. The event gathers the world's top drum ensembles to town to battle it out for high honors.
Featured groups: Blue Devils, Carolina Crown, Santa Clara Vanguard, Blue Knights, Troopers, The Academy, Cascades and Thunder.
Sadly, Matthew McConaughey won't be able to make it. His shirtless bongo-banging, bong-toting, one-shoe wearing days are over. He has a child, people.