Is that a chicken in your hair? We are completely unsure what is going on here, but that s the Denver County Fair, we guess.
Is that a chicken in your hair? We are completely unsure what is going on here, but that s the Denver County Fair, we guess. (Courtesy photo, Jeff Ball )

Remember county fairs when we were wee little shits?

"I want to pet the mini horse! I want to ride the mini train! I want a funnel cake!"

Man, we were annoying.

The Denver County Fair this weekend is kind of like our youth county fairs -- if it put on robot pants, ate a hipster and sucked on an American Spirit. With a pint of Colorado craft beer in hand, clearly.

Aside from the typical blue-ribbon contests, 4-H shenanigans and farm animals pooping on the walkways, this county fair mixes the past traditions with spicy modern flair.

See tons of fuzzy butts at the Denver County Fair this weekend.
See tons of fuzzy butts at the Denver County Fair this weekend. (Courtesy photo, Jeff Ball)

Speaking of spicy, along with the usual hot-dog and pie-eating contest, there will be a pepper-eating contest. Of course, there's the dog sports, a kitten pavilion ("!" you exclaim), antique appraisals, birds of prey on display, square dancing, wine and local beer sampling, local art for sale, a food truck roundup, live bands and a pancake breakfast.

Super, but where's the weird shit?

Calm down, there will also be Chihuahua races, Mexican wrestlers, a piñata bash, make your own sugar skulls and a sopapilla toss.

Shhh. Not done. A Rocky Mountain Roller Girls mini bout, a musical chairs competition, a zombie fashion show, a dog fashion show, a live poker tournament, a belly dancing competition, live comedy, a robot opera ("?" you ask), a Scrabble tournament, speed-texting competitions and more weird shit. (Flea circus! Pig tricks!)

Most importantly, all three days of the schedule read "unicorn rides," so I'll just go ahead and assume you'll be mounting a unicorn this weekend. (Not that way, dirty bird.)

We'll discuss it on Monday.

Good talk.

Info: Today from noon-8 p.m., Saturday from 1 p.m.-8 p.m. and Sunday from 11 a.m.-6 p.m.; National Western Complex, 4655 Humboldt St. (I-70 and Brighton Blvd.); denvercountyfair.org; $10 (ticket good for all three days)

 

 

SLAM!

Café Cultura, a spoken word organization based in Denver, has always offered open-mic nights for the community -- especially youth -- to get on stage and slam the hell out of some poetry.

Tonight, the nonprofit is hosting Art in the Park, featuring spoken word, live music, art, vendors and more at La Alma/Lincoln Park Ampitheater, 12th Avenue and Osage Street.

NDAAZ, a Native American metal band from Denver will perform, while national award-winning slam poetry group, Denver's Slam Nuba, will do spoken word on stage.

Info: Tonight from 6:30 p.m.-9:30 p.m.; $3 donation

 

AIDS Walk

Fittingly, the "Seinfeld" rerun on the CW last night that I viewed on my rabbit-eared flatscreen (I'm fancy with no cable, internet or porn), was the one where Kramer does the AIDS walk, refuses to wear the AIDS ribbon and gets his ass beat by other participants.

Well, Saturday is the AIDS Walk Colorado at Cheesman Park, 599 E 8th Ave., Denver. (Hey! that used to be a cemetery, but the tombstones were removed, and the bodies remain. Creepy).

This is an annual Colorado fundraiser for HIV and AIDS that includes a 5K walk and a 5K qualifying run for the Bolder Boulder. There will be races, games, food, drinks, music, a volleyball tournament and a Diva Dash Stiletto Fun Run (with heels a minimum of 3-inches high. Yikes.)

Info: Registration is Saturday at 7:30 a.m.; aidswalkcolorado.org; free for walkers and $30 for runners.