christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Linsday Lohan's *exclusive* interview with Oprah didn't boost ratings for the media mogul's OWN network.

Dammit. I'm going to go throw myself off a Rollerblade.

Lohan has been sufficiently sober for a couple months. (Congratulations, as all six of those stints in rehab were most likely court-ordered.)

Let's all sit back, pop some Adderall and wait for Pablo Escobar's cocaine-stuffed Learjet to park in her cavern. (All puns intended.)

As we lie in wait -- when we're sick of hearing about North West's new infant Bentley -- Linds will be right there waiting for us with her mug face-down in a Columbia blow garden. (Much like a rose garden, but with toothless hookers and bugs.)

Rat tail!

Speaking of Rollerblades, the mullet's dirty cousin is making a fashion comeback: the rat tail! ('80s/'90s trends. Crickets?)

Well Rihanna and Miley Cyrus seem to think so.

Rihanna is sporting a live one -- fully equipped with a chunk of unkempt hair flowing down her spine -- and Miley was pimping a clip-on strand of ratty locks.

Miley's evoking fashion sense from her big poppa, Billy Ray, circa "Achy Breaky Heart." So special.

Tip for the day: Did you know that cats eat rats and leave the tail? Maybe they don't taste like chicken.

So, since this is trending, I'll be having a garage sale with the neighborhood feral cat's leftovers.

Dirty boy


People magazine reported that John Mayer wore the same peace sign-adorned jean jacket twice in one week.

Gasp. Exclamation point.

In other news: So we're still talking about John Mayer then?

Quarter-life crisis

Rumor Willis just celebrated her 25th birthday by bitching about being over the hill.

That's OK, it's about time she caught up with her chin, which is over the hills and far, far away.

Puppy love

OMG Lady Gaga and her ex-BFF Perez Hilton got in a fight.

Apparently, he was looking for a New York pad and he viewed some vacant apartments in her building. Then she said he was stalking her. Then they started throwing latex around and girl-slapping the air.

Then a wig threw up pink glitter all over a pile of meat dresses.

What a damn mess.

I don't know why the feud even began, but let's talk about doggies!

The first family got a new pup, Portuguese Water Dog Sunny, to join their other doggie Bo.

Aw. I want to roll around in their fuzzy faces and pet Bo's white furry tube socks. (Boy, this is awkward.)

I like the Obamas, but I think it would have been prudent for the first family to rescue a shelter dog. (Cue Sarah McLachlan commercials.)

Sure, Bo, also a Portuguese Water Dog, was gifted to the family by Senator Ted Kennedy in 2009,but the O-Trains could have set an example by saving a poor little lonely pal who needed some hugs.

That's my PSA, so suck it and like it.

(The Obamas did make a donation to the Washington Humane Society, in honor of Sunny. Aw.)

Judging Kanye

I have a literal micro-speck of respect for Kanye West now.

Rumors say he turned down a gig as an "American Idol" judge, saying it would hurt his reputation.

Yeah. Steven Tyler didn't morph from a middle-aged woman to teenage girl for nothing.

I wonder if once-rocker Steven is ashamed of his decision to be a judge?

Nah. He's too busy raiding RuPaul's closet, then yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-ing all over the place and get a bunch of pigeons stuck in his grill.

I know I don't wanna miss a thing.

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