Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

I'm back in action with a new plan. I lost my beer gut over the summer, I started working out and now my sex pants are ready to play cards with the ladies. Where do you think I can find the babies who like to bang?

--Buff Buff

Bison:

Shhh.

Sit there and look pretty.

Now evoke Justin Timberlake.

No talking!

Congratulations on losing that beer gut. And thanks for giving it to me. My hibernation gear for the winter is filled with mouse shit, so now I'm set.

If you want to find the "babies who like to bang," you need to get out there and find your party niche. Put out a Craigslist ad: "In search of slutty broads who enjoy the high life, like a shirtless Joe Jonas taking awkward selfies with his dog."

You should film an Axe commercial: Rip off those sex pants like Rihanna's wardrobe. Whisper sweet bro-things into the willing's ear wax. Strut through the quad with your chest curls blowing in the cannabis-tinged breeze. When you walk into a room, all the panties will instinctively drop like Miley Cyrus' IQ.

But here's the Q: Do the "babies" want to bang you?

Washboard abs don't turn all the ladies hot. Some of us quite enjoy beer guts.

Alas, I have no idea where to tell you to go find a bangable baby, as my name is neither Google, nor Casual Encounters. (Fantzy Pants, if you're nasty.)

If you act like a respectful gentleman, the ladies will most likely respond. Just remember to always follow the Golden Rule. (Like the golden shower -- but with less urine.)

Above all: Just don't talk. You sound like Matthew McConaughey riding a pack of rabid frat boys.

 

Dear Christy,

I came back to school from an internship out of state over the summer to find from my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me in June. Nobody told me all summer. I broke up with him, but I'm upset with all of my friends for keeping it from me. Should I dump them too?

--Friendless

Friend of foes:

Condolences for your douche, pal.

Your chums may have kept his infidelity from you because they had your sanity in mind, as you were responsibly working towards your future out of state. Maybe they didn't want to upset you from afar.

Aside from your friends' secrecy, the most important thing is that you rid yourself of a faulty fool.

Pro and con your chums. If they generally have your well-being at heart, then give them a break. But, if they were trying to shield your ex-dude's infidelity to protect him, then screw 'em.

Literally. Start banging all your friends. It can be some sort of new revenge thing. Report back.

Good talk.

Contact Christy Fantz at 303-473-1107, fantz@coloradodaily.com, twitter.com/fantzypants