No, no, no, no, don't phunk with this tart.
Fergie and Josh Duhamel named their wee son Axl.
(For phuck's sake.)
Fergie squeezed the little dude out of her ... (check back later).
Baby popped out Aug. 29 and Joshy pants just recently Facebooked the little dude. And he's actually kinda adorable — he's making a kissy face.
Time for daddy to teach Axl the ways of the Duhamel world: marry a meth queen and then bang strippers.
Infidelity's the spice of life when you can't find your wife's vagina.
At a recent afterparty of whatever movie Gwyneth Paltrow is promoting, the menu featured pizza with Brussels sprouts. (It's pizza. Pizza, assholes.)
In the (wild-caught shrimp) vein of things (i.e., the crustaceans' load of shit), I'll take this opportunity to ridicule the clichéd foodie world. Just for the gastropub of it.
Here, food truck, food truck, food truck...
A mixologist at some quaint iconic "eatbar" told me Boulder's piquant flood mud is not only hand-crafted, but also sustainable and can be made into an artisanal aioli truffle oil, then tucked into a hand-built milkshake, made with real, organic breast milk.
BUT WAIT: You can tout it as farm-to-table because you hand plucked the mud right out of your daddy's front yard and pumped his housekeeper's lactating tits yourself.
Yelp that, locavores. Say "nom" to me. I double dare you.
Sandra Bullock said she would quit acting if her son Louis, 3, is affected negatively by her fame.
"I think this business can take the child out of kids so quickly," Bullock told Vogue. "I don't want him to have pressures brought on by what I do. I will quit. I will leave."
Sandy, can't you see, I'm in misery?
The Oscar-winning broad wants to be loved, but I can't find the instructions in my You Blow a Fat Wad at Acting diary.
Go pal it up with the retired Amanda Bynes. While she's snorting lines you can just snort.
Jesus save 'it'
The founder of the Kabbalah Center, Rabbi Philip Berg, died at 86.
Get Madonna on the horn.
Madge. We need a red string, the urine of L. Ron Hubbard, a Catholic confessional, a Hasidic curl, Britney Spears (circa 2003) and the Age of Aquarius.
"You know that we are living in a material world, and Kabbalah is a material girl. Or boy," Madonna said in my head.
By golly, Kabbalah has been the "it" religion for years. So, as soon as we stop putting cats on shit, then we can hop over to the next mod religion. Like the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Those matriarchal dresses are probably on Paris' 2014 trend forecast.
But for now, we've been wasting our time, as Kabbalah touts on its website that it "contains the long-hidden keys to the secrets of the universe."
Well, balls. I hope the universe's diary reads that human livers regenerate after we shotgun holy water and doggies live until they're 97. (But most importantly, tortillas will start breeding like homebrewers. Mmmm. Burritos.)
Sin City's retirement community
Britney Spears is moving to Las Vegas for a two-year residency to perform a greatest-hits type of show 50 times a year at the Planet Hollywood casino.
Hello? Is it Wayne Newton you're looking for?
Siegfried and Celine Dion, pass me an order of intervention with a side of denture cream.
Come on, Britney. Drop your drawers and get that skank ass back out on the town. Act your age. Vegas performers are supposed to be sagging in the sack.