When Hayden Panettiere isn't riding her ant around town, she's plowing through sports figures' jock straps.

But now she's decided to settle down. She announced that she's engaged to Ukrainian boxer and eastern European cyclops Wladimir Klitschko.

The "Nashville" actress has a history dating sporty spices, including a pocketful of New York Jets — she dated former Buff Scotty McKnight a couple years ago and Mark Sanchez. (No Timmy Tebow though. She's too whoreish for the likes of the Lord.)

Panettiere, 24, and Klitschko, 37, haven't set a wedding date, but are looking into vaudeville acts to enhance their Chernobyl-themed freak show. (She will never will have rug-burned knees. Neat.)

christy fantz
Christy Fantz

Confession! I actually do like her because she rides her goldfish into Japan's blood-infested seas and saves dolphins and whales. Plus, dear ol' Wlad contributes millions to various children's charities.

Thanks for saving the world.

We'll be over hither getting drunk.

Eminem shares the spotlight

Eminem's daughter Hailie Scott was crowned Homecoming Queen at her Michigan high school on Friday.

She's Eminem's daughter. The kids have to vote for her.

Did the queen have anything to say?

"Hi, my name is, my name is...."

(What? Who?)

"Hi, my name is, my name is..."

(Huh? What?)

Put the damn crown on her head and take the mic away.

Eminem reportedly watched the homecoming game and festivities from a classroom inside the school because he didn't want to cause a scene.

And by scene, he meant that awkward early September appearance on ESPN's "Saturday Night Football" halftime show during the Michigan-Notre Dame game. (I think Kirk Herbstreit had his thumb up the rapper's ass. He did go to Ohio State.)

Hmm. Congrats Eminem's daughter.

Time off for 'good' behavior

She’s not that tall. She’s standing on Tom Cruise.
She's not that tall. She's standing on Tom Cruise. (John Shearer / Getty Images North America)

Lauryn Hill took a break from being a menace to society by going to jail for failing to pay taxes.

Now, she's taking a break from the clink to go on tour.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet our justice system. (Actually, he can't meet you right now. He's on paid leave banging prostitutes in the slums of Rio.)

The singer was granted reprieve from her "work release," allowing the former Fugees star to leave home detention from Nov. 15-Dec. 31 to go sing and be a smug asshole.

Maybe she'll make back that $2.3 million she owes on tour.

And maybe tomorrow will be 1998.

Jenner-rific

Kris and Bruce Jenner separated.

He was released from time out to go play with his remote-control planes. Hopefully he'll have luck finding a new broad who doesn't mind kissing wet paint.

Now Kris and her penis can go slap some other dudes around.

Quite the 'songwriter'

Taylor Swift set a songwriting record with the Nashville Songwriters Association International, earning her sixth trophy.

She's a songwriter like I'm a famous writer.

It's like Paul Walker winning an Oscar. Or Amanda Bynes kicking bath salts. Or Kim Kardashian fitting into a medium. Or Miley Cyrus swallowing her tongue. Or Tom Cruise marrying a girl. Or a JoBro shaving his chest. Or Steven Tyler wearing men's clothes. Or Enrique Iglesias sewing his mole back on.

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