Nicki Minaj just celebrated the launch of her new clothing line at Kmart.

Aside from her tit popping out of her blazer at the family-friendly event, a record number of tasteless teenage girls have been reportedly suspended for dressing like Bratz dolls huffing aerosol.

Hold me, baby Jesus. (I'm tall, but word on the street is, you can hold me in the palm of your hand.)

What would Adderal do?

Lindsay Lohan got a self-help tattoo.

(I wish it were Tony Robbins' constipated face, complete with ear mic.)

She got a triangle inked with the words "truth," "power" and "love" on her upper arm. The graphic is supposedly from a self-help book by Steve Pavlina.

Nicki Minaj launches her fashion line at KMART on Tuesday in Los Angeles.
Nicki Minaj launches her fashion line at KMART on Tuesday in Los Angeles. (Todd Williamson / Associated Press)

Her inspiration is making me gassy. Which reminds me, I need to get that burrito tattooed on my leg. It will be with me for life. The tattoo. The burrito will only stick around for 10 more minutes.

Dancing vampires

Nina Dobrev and Derek Hough broke up after only two months of dating.

Exclamation point.

The Vampire Diaries star just couldn't handle the distance while she was filming in Georgia and he was "Dancing With the Stars" in Los Angeles.

Or maybe she realized he doesn't like vagina. Please bring Ryan Seacrest out of the closet with you, good sir.

Hollywood needs a shot

Hollywood is lounging on its laurels, and its laurels smell like an old man's poopy diaper.

Los Angeles just opened a toilet-themed restaurant — complete with toilets for seats, mini ceramic toilets for dishes and shit-themed food to clog the porcelain's palate.

He-sus, Hollywood. (That's Spanish for "Jesus.")

Then there was this headline on People.com: "Hunky & Hungry: See Brad Pitt Snack His Way Through All His Movies."

Um. OK.

Lather on the KY, Hollywood, your well is dry. First, there's three-hour, three-part series Hobbit flicks (the book is like 300 pages, assholes), then there's a remake of "Carrie" for the third time and who the balls is still allowing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger to act? What is a "Tomorrow People"?! I don't want to eat poop!

I need a drink and this town needs an enema.

A conversation with Tom and Matt

Matthew McConaughey told People mag that he gave Tom Hanks a ring to get advice on how to lose weight for an upcoming flick he was filming.

This is my version of the phone call:

"Tommy! This is your pal Mack Daddy M. How's your cock hangin' bro? I bet a little to the middle. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. Right?"

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Who is this?

"McConaughey. Hey man, I need help losing weight for this fella I gotta play who's got the AIDS syndrome for a movie."

The "S" in AIDS stands for "syndrome," idiot.Who *is* this?

"Anyway, I'm just sittin' here sucking on my vape, gettin all rip shit and eating this whole ham I dipped in Ketchup. I'm eating it like an egg. Haaaaaaa. It's chill. Wanna come over? I'm poundin' on some drums, pissin' off the neighbors. It's righteous. I can tell my lady to take her shirt off for you?"

I'm hanging up now.

"Ah, fuckin' Tom, man. You're the best. I like to wear two different flip flops and run around the Piggly Wiggly like an asshole. It's funny as shit, man. All of 'em's like 'ahhhhhhhhh!'"

Dial tone.

"Tom? OK man, well I'll let you go. I'm gonna call Barack and see if he wants to shoot some hoops. Or some, like, Easy Cheese or somethin'. You like Easy Cheese?"

"OK man, I'll call you back in five minutes."

Follow Christy: twitter.com/fantzypants