Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

This headline on People.com made me glitter my tights: "Pink Fights Back on Twitter After Fans React to Willow, 2, Riding Motorbike."

I originally thought it was about the 1988 sci-fi flick "Willow" and there possibly being a part 2. And maybe that a maiden-haired Madmartigan would be roaring through the future on a glitter motorcycle with Willow on his shoulders. And there would be a unicorn with curly red hair that would lift its tail and cast technicolor spells on muskrats.

But then I read the story. It was about Pink's 2-year-old daughter, Willow, riding on a dirt bike with her daddy Carey Hart. The internet's blood pressure skyrocketed because the kid didn't have a helmet on.

Pink’s abs scare me. I’m not jealous. I’m just scared.
Pink's abs scare me. I'm not jealous. I'm just scared. (Paul A. Hebert / Associated Press)

As for me, the sparkly fireworks are still shouting "Willow 2!" at me...

Call me, Lucasfilm.* Let's stop, collaborate and listen.

*I.e. Walmart. Or is it Disney? Same shit.

The Aussies and Tom

Nicole Kidman is opening up about her marriage to Tom Cruise, telling Vanity Fair that she always felt passion about the courtship, and compared it to Brad and Angelina's love sandwich. (Too much of Angie's leg and kid snot for our bread.)

"There is something about that sort of existence that, if you really focus on each other and you're in that bubble, it's very intoxicating, because it's just the two of you."

Maybe it was Tom's midget wit. (Then he married Katie Holmes. That went swimmingly.)


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But Nicole said that she married Cruise young (at 23) and her companionship with current husband, Keith Urban, is even better.

"With no disrespect to what I had with Tom, I've met my great love now."

(Didn't he bang a porn star while you were engaged?)

Everything is fine, now. Nicole and Tommy Boy are pals with two adopted kids and Kidman's second wife sings power ballads to his soul patch, while riding heroin suppositories.

Wasted in Israel

Paula Abdul is in Israel for the first time to vacation the Holy Land.

A press release told me that she is hugging shoppers, touring museums and visiting President Shimon Peres.

And, on her upcoming agenda is more shopping, climbing Masada, floating in the Dead Sea and attending fashion week.

"I'm wasshhted. Wheresss the camels? Doesss Jesssus live with the wissemen? They've got the magic drugggsss."*

OK Paula. Good talk.

*Not included in press release.

Queen Kong

Does anybody want to punch a mannequin when they look at Gaga?

Digression aside, Ms. Ga stepped out in London on Wednesday, looking like she woke up inside a tattered lampshade from a prohibition-era brothel.

The black-clad singer was mourning the loss of her doggie Alice, who died at 17 of cancer.

Condolences, "Lady." You have my sincerest sympathy.

When we lose a best fuzz friend, we all leave a slice of our hearts to lie forever with them. I would hug my worst enemy the day they lost a pet. The whole world collectively loses a barking angel.

"I remember her laying [in] my bed, she knew when I was sad, or when I was sick... I just pray Alice found her wonderland."

Just keep fresh the memories. Like when your dad threw you to Alice like a tennis ball. And when you stuffed yourself with peanut butter like a Kong.

And member when you woke up naked after the 2010 VMAs? You weren't sexually violated. Alice will always fondly remember that meat dress.

Follow Christy: twitter.com/fantzypants