Since many of my pals have touted and defend "The Voice" like it's some sort of poignant docudrama, I decided to give it a shot Tuesday night.
Bartender, I would like my shot back. That one tasted like I tossed a potbelly pig's salad.
Don't trick me like that again, friends. Especially when R. Kelly took some precious time out of his urination schedule to perform on "The View."
Washed-up celebrity bits
Tila Tequila's is claiming she supports Adolf Hitler, as she posted a picture (then deleted it) of herself dressed in Nazi gear. (My computer crashed as I typed this. Lesson: Hitler kills everything.)
"Just because I feel sympathy, compassion, and forgiveness for others such as Hitler means I am now a monster? All for trying to open your eyes to the truth that Hitler was NOT as bad as he was painted out to be?"
Yes. You are.
I just saw Mel Gibson mouthing profanities to a circus raccoon. (And giving a sewer rat a handy.) He lost his voice. Throw it up and mail it back. He said he needs it before Hanukkah's end. (It ended last week.)
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are back in a new E! special, "After Shock: Heidi and Spencer." We learn shiny new things like: "The Hills" was fake, they blew through $10 million in one year and Pratt gained 50 pounds due to a pie addiction.
Pratt did say that random people still try to fight and attack him, which is causing his aversion to procreating.
"I wouldn't want to be Spencer Pratt's kid," he said.
I would rather be stuck inside Andy Dick's kidney stone.
Speaking of Spencer Pratt's kid...
Kanye West told a Saturday Night Online radio host that being a rapper is much like being a police officer.
"I'm just giving up my body on the stage and putting my life at risk, literally," West said.
I literally see he literally took a literal page from the literal Kardashian dictionary. Literally.
"You're literally going out to do your job every day knowing that something could happen to you," West said.
DANGER! It rains tits and caviar. Sometimes beluga eggs mix into his lobster. A couple of trust funds could fall on his dome when he's reaching for his 24-karat gold tampon.
KANYE! There's a puddle of Kimmy K's piss on your marble floor. Yeesus Christ. It's a goddamn warzone out there.
(He needs a date with the Central African Republic.)
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