Charlie Sheen's cocaine-fried cilia got in a Twitter twist on Monday, so he called out Ashton Kutcher for no apparent reason.

"Hey Ashton. Sorry bro all good now quit barfing on my old brilliant show."

(Um. What?)

Ashton Kutcher replied (in my mind) with, "I'd quit barfing on 'your' show if you'd steam-vac your crotch critters off the set."

One would assume Sheen had better things to do than waste 30 minutes a week with "Two and a Half Men." But no. And while he's wacking, wassailing and whoring the other 167.5 hours a week, Brooke Mueller's chewing on a squirrel on his front lawn and Denise Richards is braiding Kid Rock's shaft by the pool.*

Jesus, please cleanse Angus T. Jones' soul while I barf on him now.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz (FX / Associated Press)

*Who won with wives? Charlie did!

He's in charge, bitch

Instead of Candace Cameron Bure auctioning off her chastity belt for cash, she wrote a book.

Candace is that child actor from "Full House," and sister to teen-beefcake-turned-God-disciple Kirk Cameron. Yes, I said beefcake and yes, you were too young for "Full House."

In her new book, "Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose," (I'd rather see "August: Osage County." Take it back, Fantz.) she informs us that her husband wears the pants in the family, and that she plays the "submissive role" to Valeri Bure.

An excerpt: "I quickly learned that I had to find a way of honoring his take-charge personality and not get frustrated about his desire to have the final decision on just about everything. I am not a passive person, but I chose to fall into a more submissive role in our relationship because I wanted to do everything in my power to make my marriage and family work."

That's right, bitch. Don't make him tell you twice, or he'll tell you with his fist. Now get in the kitchen and make him a goddamn turkey pot pie, wench.

P.S., your husband has a broad's name.

Mid-life crisis clan

Jennifer Aniston and fiance Justin Theroux went on a holiday vacation and brought along quite the random melange of folk: Jimmy Kimmel + wife, Howard Stern + wife and Courteney Cox + Dildo.

Party!

The midlife crisis clan courted paparazzi, touted tomfoolery, housed Kimmel's homemade pasta, attempted golf, and mixed Pepto with prune-flavored vodka.

Party!

After afternoons of playing "What's in the Box?" the clan catnapped to "Wheel of Fortune." It was a riot.

(Quit guessing, Sarah Silverman's nut sack was in the box.)

Banging in the boys room

When our Nuggets pounded the Lakers on Sunday in Los Angeles, someone else got plowed in the VIP suite bathrooms.

The couple, who got ushered out by a cop, apparently were orgasming for the crowds to hear.

With Kobe out and the Lakers losing eight of the last nine games, at least someone got lucky in the Staples Center.

BAM.

(I think it was Lamar Odom giving Phil Jackson a hummer for a job. He's not aware of the coaching changes, as he's been too busy licking the crack off of Charlie Sheen's dancing shoes.)

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