Katy Perry is on the cover of GQ magazine this month and by golly the funbags on that hosehound near rival Oskar Blues' new Crowlers. (Nice cans, Oskie.)

Perry told GQ that we have the Lord above to thank for her jugs:

"I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, 'God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can't see my feet when I'm lying down?' God answered my prayers."

They would have also answered John Mayer's prayers, but he's been busy counting his ball hair.

And you're welcome for this visual: That pair's pearl necklace must look like a giraffe grazing between two bloated farm hogs.*

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

*It's a scientific fact that Mayer's piece is large. His prior slampieces have spilled the beans.

Beached whales

It's a shame all these poor pilot whales are beaching themselves off Florida's coast. The big boys have been heading closer to shore, due to an apparent toxicity in deep waters, thus turning up beached on shallow shores.

BREAKING: The Kardashians may have been vacationing at South Beach.

To be determined.

Depp is engaged

Johnny Depp, 50, couldn't slap a ring on Vanessa Paradis, 41, after 14 years and two children, but now he's engaged to Amber Heard, 27 (who was previously banging a broad). Depp and Heard have only been dating for a short time.

Love is strange, sweet children, go hug your television.

Craigslist and Coachella

Two lassies put an ad on Craigslist in search of two boyfriends to accompany them to Coachella.

(Ashley Dean is that you? Shit no. Colorado Daily's music writer has to bat off the boys with a bottle of Jack and a bike lock.)

Anyway, these broads want a boy who is 7.5 percent hipster/indie, 12.5 percent raver, 50 percent normal and 30 percent bro, "don't lie, there is a little of it in all of you — just admit it to yourself and save us the time," they penned.

Meanwhile, Matthew McConnaughey was clawing over mounds of fat dudes who live in their mom's basements to make the front of the line.

"Ladies, ladies, ladies. Whoa. Ladies. I'm your guy. I have a pocketful of psychedelics."

Someone pass him an urban dictionary.

Whomever the two girls choose, the lucky lads get to carry them bitches around on their shoulders, bury their own poop in the ground and wash their hair with Mountain Dew. Coachella's so pretty.

Bieber's bills

After tearing up Snowmass on his snowboard last weekend, Justin Bieber then jetted over to Miami Monday for his pal Lil Scrappy's birthday. Biebs allegedly showered strippers with more than twice our salaries at the King of Diamonds strip club.

Then, Lil Za's mom rang the dinner bell.

I can just see Bieber's bowtied, middle-aged accountant driving up to the bank teller: "Um yes, snort. Please count out $75,000 in ones. Mr. Bieber would like to make it rain. At the naked bar. Snort. "

What a wreck

Porn star Ron Jeremy released his own spoof of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball."

Way to be all "current" on events, Long Grandaddy Dong.

The 60-year-old chubby man did a shot-for-shot remake, singing in his own voice.

Mr. Jeremy, if we wanted to blow our breakfast, we would've watched you twist your gross mustache while you yank it to Andy Dick yankin' it to you banging chicks in one of your porn flicks.

Got that?

The internet hurts my eyeballs.

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