Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

So no one told you life was gonna be this way.

(Clap, clap, clap, clap!)

Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox, layin' in a truck. F-U-C- alright. The BFFs have been in lady love since "Friends" began in 1994.

Aniston waxed lyrical about her pal in the February issue of More magazine.

"There's absolutely no judgment in Court. You'll never feel scolded. She's extremely fair, ridiculously loyal and fiercely loving."

Even Lisa Kudrow chimed in on the galbang: "There's no agenda. There's no guile. There's no game. You can trust (Courteney) completely and fully."

So then, when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, Courteney will be there for yooooooooou. (When the rain starts to pour.)

How adorable is Zooey Deschanel? Don’t you kind of want to slap her? (Keep the assaulting of Hollywood to a minimum, pals.)
How adorable is Zooey Deschanel? Don't you kind of want to slap her? (Keep the assaulting of Hollywood to a minimum, pals.) (John Shearer / Invision)

"I've slept in her guest bedroom a lot," Aniston also told the magazine.

Alright, ladies. It smells like awkward sex. Cut it out.

'Act' like a designer

To Tommy,

 

I heard that you need someone to liven up your brand that took a shit during the '90s

trend of Timberlands, denim and striped polos on "rappers."

 

Since I'm a borderline sellout, I'd like to contribute my acting and singing talents to fashion design — because they're one in the same.

 

America can look out for' 60s-inspired pieces that they can't afford, while we wave at them aboard Richard Branson's mega yacht.

 

Toodle-o!

 

(I'm batting my doe eyes. You can't see them because I don't feel like moving my bangs.

 

From Zooey

 

If you didn't gather this from that obscure note, Zoey Deschanel is designing a line for Tommy Hilfiger, called "To Tommy, From Zooey."

I see your size 2 nautical dress, Zooey, and I raise you a vintage polyester thrift-store dud. So put that in your bubblegum and chew it.

I mean. Call me.

Late-night skirmishes

Somebody stick a dirty thumb in Jay Leno's Mac Tonight hole. (Remember that dude? I mean, ahem, I don't. I'm too young.)

Leno is crying about (fill in the blank), amongst the business of leaving TV. The "Tonight Show" host is being pushed off of NBC (last show Feb. 6) to make way for Jimmy Fallon.

Look, Jay, it's the law of the land. Once your testes touch the toilet water, then it's time to tap out. (That's what corporate America wrote in the men's room.)

Now, the likes of David Letterman, Chevy Chase and Christopher Guest would have room to scream like schoolboy bitches. But you're bobble-headed Jay Leno. We were over you when you knocked Conan O'Brien off his perch.

"I always tell new people in show business, I say, 'Look, show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you're gonna get screwed,'" Leno said on his exit interview on Sunday's "60 Minutes." "'And when you get screwed, you will have this pile of money off to the side already.'"

(Do you see problem No. 1, Jay? Your "big" interview aired during the Grammys. Ergo we didn't watch you. Like we already don't watch you. Fire your publicist.)

And on whether he's pissed at Conan, Jimmy, Jesus or Buzz Lightyear, he said he doesn't like public feuds.

"That doesn't serve the purpose. Rich people whining and complaining? Shut up," he said in the interview. "You make more money than 99 percent of the population and you're complaining and whining."

Right. Now pass the torch and pull your chin over your forehead.

I said kick rocks, old man!

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants