The Sochi Olympics have begun, and booze is your sport. Wait. Those don't really go together.

However, in Denver on Saturday, they do. Are you ready to bring home your own gold medal? It may be in beer pong or flip cup, but Putin is not keeping score over here.

On Saturday, Denver is host to the Crawl to Sochi — a pub crawl for the Olympics that we know best: BOOZE.

Play Hard Productions (register for the event: playhardproductions.co — not a mistake, it's .co, not .com, good talk) is bringing Russia to Denver bars this weekend with this Winter Olympics bar crawl. With a $39 ticket price, participants get one drink at each bar (draft/well), one of those sexy fuzzy Russian winter hats and entry to team game competitions at each stop.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Plus, you get to wear your own Olympic uniform and participate in a costume contest at the end of the crawl (if your drunk ass makes it that long). A VIP ticket ($49) gets you all-you-can-pound beer for an hour (11 a.m.-12 p.m.).

Winter sports for the Denver bar crawl include: ice hockey (flip cup), bobsledding (bowling), ski jumping (beer pong), biathlon (darts), speed skating (hauling ass from bar to bar) and curling (bags/cornhole).

Bring your friends, as the largest team gets free admission to the next crawl. Check in at the Ginn Mill, 2041 Larimer St., Denver, in waves from noon-1:30 p.m. At 4:15 p.m. is the afterparty, awards ceremony and costume contest.

Go for the gold, pals. Make Team USA proud. I believe in you, ye of large tolerance. Make my liver proud.

Shopping for your Valentine

It's almost Valentine's Day! You can exclaim that phrase with pure disdain, or sheer excitement.

This means you either have to buy something of cheesy value for your lovah, or you have to go to the bar, get wasted and go home with a random. You only have those two options, so choose wisely.

If you're of the stuck-with-a-lover half, Denver has an easy way to get that damn shopping off your chest with the Love Me Sweet Soiree at the Perfect Petal, 3600 West 32nd Ave., Denver (in the Highlands), on Sunday from 5 p.m.-8 p.m.

The flower shop is offering a lady's shopping portion from 5-6:30 and the men's is from 5:30-8 p.m. Both separate hour-and-a-halfs are catered to each private part. You know what I mean.

Both halves will offer free booze, a boutonniere or bow-tie tutorials and live entertainment (Jonny Barber, the "Velvet Elvis," singing for the ladies and Vivienne VaVoom, a burlesque queen, performing for the men).

The boutique has various gifts and accessories, floral arrangements and quite the unique card variety. Don't get stuck giving your lady a stupid stuffed gorilla holding a heart from Walgreens. At least throw some chocolate in there if you're going to do that.

Info: theperfectpetal.com

Comedy show

Jake's Food & Spirits, 3800 Walnut St., Denver, is hosting a Funny Valentine stand up comedy show Saturday at 8 p.m. Featuring a broad variety of comedy from broads: Jana Pink, Nora Lynch, Heather Snow, Terri Barton Gregg, Shayna Ferm — all hosted by Denver comedian and emcee, Jake Sharon (he's a dude). The comedy show will be followed by live music from Denver's Love Rind, playing cover songs from the '50s to now.

Info: Saturday at 8 p.m.; $5 cover, two-drink minimum

Dog day afternoon

This event is a bit south, but it involves fuzzy puppies, so read on. Pet extravaganza and fundraiser for YAPS (Youth and Pet Survivors),My Furry Valentine, is on Sunday from 10 a.m.-2:30 p.m. at Tagawa Gardens, 7711 S. Parker Rd., Centennial. There will be an abundance of doggie treats, tips from dog trainers, pup nail trims and a doggie brush outs (for donations), health checks, health care tips local pet artists, games, prizes and photography for pro snaps of you and your pet. Plus, there will be a performance by Mile High Musical Tails (dancing doggies! ) at noon.

Info: tagawagardens.com

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants