christy fantz
Christy Fantz

While beating Chris Martin with a brass monkey in their London abode, in a faux British accent, Gwyneth Paltrow screams, "you will not humiliate me you barmy dandy!"

"But Gwynnie, I like boys," Martin yelps in pain.

The actress and Coldplay singer are separating after 11 years of marriage, two spawn and a whole lotta pretension.

Gwyneth released a statement to her disciples on her Goop website : "We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner."

Uncouple and coparent? Oh shut up you Anglophilian prig.

I wonder how their kids are taking the "uncoupling" — Banana and Yahweh, is it?

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are pregnant.
Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are pregnant. (Justin K. Aller / Getty)

Ah, who gives a hoot.

Permanent Bieber

Justin Bieber won't be scribbling all over himself with permanent needle markers. As he told Instagram, "done with tats 4 a while... Where I wanna be."

In which Instagram queried: So where you want to "be," then, is on a coffee table in an off-the-Vegas-strip tattoo parlor as a stock image binder?

It'll be a nice break, kid. Them pre-pubescent preschool scrawlings are making me want to be a big fat rebel and color outside of the lines.

Kutcher knocks up Kunis

Ashton Kutcher took a break from dry humping Los Angeles basketball floor seats to knock up his fiance Mila Kunis, E! News told me.


Advertisement

That's special. That threesome-worthy couple will either spit out one gorgeous dark-skinned exotic baby, or one goofy-ass, bug-eyed tot.

Whew. Demi Moore just had another hot flash. We almost woke the spiders from her creaky cervix.

Speaking of floor seats...

Kobe Bryant just outted Shaquille O'Neal in The New Yorker for being a lazy bastard.

"It used to drive me crazy that he was so lazy. You got to have the responsibility of working every single day. You can't skate through shit."

Chris Hemsworth.
Chris Hemsworth. (Jason Merritt / Getty)

Yeah, but Kobe, it used to drive us crazy that you were so rapey. (Oh dear.)

Plus, weren't you, like, 12 when you and Shaq teamed up on the Lakers? Don't worry, Shaq can't hear gossip. His head is stuck in a honey jar in Pooh Corner. Kazaam!

Crickets?

Thor's spawn

Thor had twin sons.

Of course he did. He's Thor. Chris Hemsworth's sperm is concentrated, for her pleasure. That mythological wad shot straight out of his jack hammer and jolted through his wifey, Elsa Pataky, halfway back to Asgard.

But, that magic sperm stops at daddy. The twins are named Tristan and Sasha, whose alter egos are destined as backup dancers, who we will call Beyonce Fierce.

That's what she (seriously) said

LeAnn Rimes couldn't finish performing her encore at an Oklahoma concert over the weekend because her jaw popped out of place.

As blue balls ensued among married men throughout the venue, Rimes tweeted, "Oklahoma!!!! I love you so much! I'm sorry for no encore. I had my jaw pop out of place & I can't hear out of my left ear. #tmjsucks."

What I would do to keep this inappropriate train rolling, but it appears we're out of room.

Contact Christy Fantz at 303-473-1107 or fantz@coloradodaily.com