Rob Kardashian is sad.

Who?

The boy one. Stay with me, pals.

He tweeted in the wee hours of the a.m., "No one will ever understand how much it hurts."

Oh, our little Armenian lap hog. Why so blue?

Let's take a stab:

Your life is but a whirlwind of estrogen-reigning drama where femdoms scream over the scream of screaming screams. I have a brainache.

Your stepdad, Bruce Jenner, is (allegedly) going girl.

Your brothers-in-law, Kanye West and Scott Disick, are estrogen-dominant.

Your only cool bro-in-law, Lamar Odom, who would at least pal around the video game console with you, got booted from the fam for snorting lines of prostitutes and humping coke.

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

You've gained a bit of weight from depression and your ex Rita Ora is throwing her new bangpiece, DJ Calvin Harris, into the world's face.

Oh, we understand, Kardashian boy.

Yes, he's a little piggy in a trust fund blanket, but money doesn't make the synapses fire more dopamine. At least in rich and famous' faux world.

The boy needs to separate himself from the claws of the family jaws, carve out his own life and hang out with some heady Y to balance out all that XX.

Get the Hulk on the horn or something, he'll slap some testosterone into your fat pants.

I'm going to become a life coach.

Cooper's cash

Anderson Cooper's mother, railroad heiress-turned-clothing designer Gloria Vanderbilt, is worth $200 million.

The 90-year-old apparently made it clear to her son, however, that there is no trust fund for silver foxy. Cooper, a CNN anchor, told Howard Stern on radio that he's OK with that.

"I don't believe in inheriting money. I think it's an initiative sucker. I think it's a curse."

Cooper, 46, who maintains he has worked his whole life, also told Stern, "from the time I was growing up, if I felt that there was some pot of gold waiting for me, I don't know that I would've been so motivated."

Kind of like the "Seinfeld" Soup Nazi, no trust fund for you!
Kind of like the "Seinfeld" Soup Nazi, no trust fund for you! (Danny Moloshok / Reuters)

(Ahem, Rob Kardashian.)

Solid for Cooper, who reportedly makes $11 million per year at CNN. He doesn't need a trust fund. He worked hard for his money, so we better treat him right.

So what will the old hag do with all that cash when she croaks?

Please say, "Sew Kathy Griffin shut."

Perry/Mayer split

In Hollywood, the un-hitch-able practically scream at us in KANYE CAPS: Jennifer Aniston, Cameron Diaz, Courtney Love, Taylor Swift, Charlie Sheen, George Clooney, A-Rod, Andy Dick and Pee Wee Herman.

These serial daters, slash catastrophes, slash walking STDs, slash bull-headed humans, will remain single forever.

Katy Perry and John Mayer split.
Katy Perry and John Mayer split. (Annie I. Bang / Invision)

Long Schlong Mayer's stint with Katy Perry gave marriage a sliver of hope for the boy, but after this recent split, he's back in line behind Aniston.

Katy Perry allegedly broke up with John because he's been sexting Kelly Monaco, some broad from "General Hospital."

A source told Perez Hilton that Katy thinks John is a sex fiend and a liar. Then he said that she said that he said that ... Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives...

General Hospital. Same shit.

Bits o' fame

•TV personality Brooke Burke-Charvet crashed her Maserati into a fence in Los Angeles Wednesday and tweeted, "...yes I was sober."

Then she #gotanewonealready so #suckonthatpublic because #theonepercentrocks and she's #betterthanus.

•Alexa Ray Joel — daughter to singer Billy Joel and model Christie Brinkley — just got a bunch of extensive plastic surgery.

The singer, who allegedly battled depression and suicidal thoughts in the past, has also talked publicly about being bullied in the press for her looks. Go to your room, mean world! That goddamn Joan Rivers spilled her Sharpie all over Joel's once unique cuteness. She now looks like (fill in the actress blank).

•Ladies, Vladimir Putin's divorce was finalized Wednesday, so don't go smashing skulls to get in line for the Russian president.

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants