Like a maxi pad with wings, these sharks are so fly.

(Oh, Fantz.)

One day last summer in the newsroom, I looked up at the telly and thought, "By the brassiere of Jack Nicholson, Tara Reid's gut is oozing curdled car bombs!" (Donning a bikini with a botched gut tuck... you'll get there.)

Said evening last July, while the newsroom night crew pounded out journalistic integrity, Syfy's premiere of "Sharknado" loomed in the background. Twice, for our pleasure.

With a taglinge* of, "Enough Said," those flying sharks hooked the world — nearly 1.37 million viewers, in fact — and made room for "Sharknado 2," with a tagline* of "Shark Happens."

Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

The sequel premieres on July 30, but this time the deep-sea homies are terrorizing New York instead of Los Angeles. And this time around, the chainsaw is bigger, the sharks are hungrier and the actors are ...

I need a drink.

Producers added Kelly Osbourne, Judah Friedlander, Andy Dick, Judd Hirsch Vivica A. Fox, Mark McGrath and Perez Hilton to round out the horrible lineup of Ian Ziering and Tara Reid.

"I'm in a band," McGrath said at a press conference. "I'm in this movie because I'm a fan." Congratulations.

I wouldn't call Sugar Ray a "band," kid. And is that Andy Dick in your zipper?

Hollywood, please call me. Your screenplay well is drying up faster than McGrath's feminine douche.


*Confucius says, do not let your fetus coin Hollywood taglines.

Clothes like Jagger

Speaking of chick singers... on his way to his bikini wax, Adam Levine decided to design women's clothing for Kmart.

"The best thing about designing a women's collection is that I was able to create pieces that I would like to see a woman wear," Levine said in a statement.

Like Blake Shelton's rugged, masculine face. Or Blake Shelton's lustrous, flowing locks. Or Blake Shelton's handful of country/western bulge.

Adam Levine has created a women’s clothing line for Kmart.
Adam Levine has created a women's clothing line for Kmart. (Daniel Petty / The Denver Post)

"I always go back to the idea that style should be effortless," Levine said in a statement. "I think that's the most important tip."

You know what else the most important tip is, Adam? Just the tip. Like Blake's, for instance. You know the drill.

Way out West

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding favors for their May nuptials in Paris cost them $125,000 per guest. Per 200 guests. That's $125K times 200. Which = are you goddamn kidding me.

What's in the box?

I don't know, but I kind of feel like beating the couple with a bag of oranges. (Look ma, no marks.)

By the way, North West, you're a bastard.*

You heard it here first.**


For shit’s sake.
For shit's sake. (Vogue)

**I have absolutely no proof.

Depp's suitcases

Johnny Depp told Jimmy Kimmel on Monday that he hates unpacking suitcases.

"I have a strong aversion to unpacking. As a kid, we moved around a lot. So, it's kind of a traumatic thing... I literally have suitcases and bags that are still packed from 'Edward Scissorhands.'"

So instead of the bother of a simple task — or having his maid do it for him — he just puts them in "storage somewhere." And for decades at a time.

So that's where Winona Ryder's dignity went — alongside Depp's once upon a non-typecast.

Follow Christy:

Johnny boy doesn’t like to unpack. Poor baby.
Johnny boy doesn't like to unpack. Poor baby. (Gero Breloer / Associated Press)