Freshman year of college — AKA: the Stone Age to you kiddos — I decided: Time to get back on the bike.
I mean, I handled those steep driveways real nice when I was a tot on my cousin's hand-me-down cycle.
And so I figure, "All the other kids are doing it. It's time to hit those campus streets." Bike secured, I hop on. Three feet later, I've tipped over and it comes screaming back to me.
I don't know how to ride a bike.
My jeans are getting caught in it (yes, I know now why you smarties roll up the pant leg) and I'm weeble-wobbling it down the sidewalk as folks dive out of the way, glaring and loudly commenting on "the asshole who doesn't know how to ride a bike." I don't know the rules of the road and am, in hindsight, lucky no cars were out or I'd probably still be in traction.
"Like riding a bike" my sweet tushy. I mean what was I thinking? Walking down the hallway of this here office, I managed to knock over a pile of boxes and run into a wall. Add two wheels and you've got a genuine road hazard.
Luckily, far more adept folks are going to be riding in this weekend's Cyclocross National Championships at Valmont Bike Park (off Valmont road, a few blocks from Foothills Parkway). From Thursday to Sunday, all kinds of races and events will be challenging those not physically challenged.
Course, if you appreciate the beer side of life, Boulder Beer (2880 Wilderness Place) is just down the road and ready to warm you up with a pint or two. On Saturday, there's even a post-race party at 5:30 p.m.
They have some mighty tasty brews over there ... like their Killer Penguin Barleywine and The Dude's Bane, another barleywine aged in whiskey barrels.
More beer? OK. I've got a freebie opp here. On Thursday, Walnut Brewery (1100 Walnut St.) is tapping Sub Zero Winter Ale from 6 to 6:30 p.m. Show up with a legit ID and you'll get a free pint to try the new brew out.
And then order the mashed potatoes, because they're fricken awesome. Or just another beer. The brewers' St. James Irish Red Ale is always a good way to pass the time.
Nerd alert. There's an exhibit at the Boulder History Museum (1206 Euclid Ave.) that I vote you check out before all your boozing, though. "Alert Today, Alive Tomorrow: Living with the Atomic Bomb, 1945-65" is here until Sunday, and it sounds ... so cool.
It's all about the threat of the atomic bomb in the U.S., and what advertisements, products, etc., were like during that period. And if you do this, you'll feel a lot better about drunkenly doing the Bus Driver jig in public later. Education first. Info: boulderhistory.org.
As always, the folks at The Dairy Center for the Arts (2590 Walnut St.) have a great movie lineup. Like "The Act of Killing," a documentary that has former Indonesian death squad leaders reenact mass-killings in their chosen cinematic genre (as their description reads). If that doesn't float your boat, there's plenty of other films that would be well worth a few hours this weekend, too. Info: thedairy.org.
Follow Alex: Twitter.com/ansieh.